What is a woman to do when her man "treats her like dirt"? What does a man do when his woman "treats him like dirt"? When one "gets religion" and makes life hell for the other?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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Hello Dear Suffering Soul, 

I thank the suffering soul who trusted me with remarks along those lines, and for putting trust in me. I will be as candid as I can be also with you who read me here.

First of all, I have deep respect for women, because of the great dignity which God our Creator has given you, and because of your deep capacity - when this feminine human nature is embraced and accepted by each woman - to give life and nurture life in others.

I also have deep respect for men, because of the great dignity which God our Creator has given you, us because I myself am a man, and because of man's deep capacity to engage the world, struggle with it to cultivate it, and eke out an existence from it for himself and his family.

Of course, men are also capable of giving life and nurturing, but it seems evident that God has specifically designed woman with this capacity. Similarly, women are also capable of engaging the world, struggling with it and cultivating it - in fact, in many cultures women do most of the tilling of the soil - but again, it seems evident that God has specifically designed man with this capacity.

Unfortunately, that same capacity in woman to be inclusive of others and to care for them, can also become a weak point that can be exploited by people who are either unscrupulous or who simply have not sufficiently matured so as to be sensitive to the dignity of others and still too selfish to become aware of others as living persons and to respect them. It's normal for a baby at the breast to be selfish because that is the first stage of life and the other stages have not yet developed. However, it is sad, even tragic, and downright dangerous when a full grown human being is still selfish and entirely preoccupied only with their own self; oblivious to others as living persons.

Man's capacity can also become a weak point exploited by others, which we can readily observe in the "new slavery" evident all over the planet; whereby men are drawn into "voluntary slavery" by being seduced by the "carrot" promising them rewards and advancement, but with the "stick" close behind, threatening to punish them or fire them if they don't comply. The fear, even terror, engendered by this new slavery explains why men surrender to long hours away from their wife, children, and home.

From this point on, I will write only from the woman's point of view, the female soul who wrote to me. Men have only to reverse the values for the text to equally apply to them in their situations of abuse or neglect by their woman.

This seems to be what you reported to me as happening to you by what you sense is a lack of respect, of caring, of responsibility, of friendship, of cooperation, and of love - authentic caring - on the part of your male partner.

If I understand correctly, you and he lived in intimacy for most of the past several years, but then when he suddenly took more interest in religion, he laid down "the law" to you; stating that you could no longer have intimacy unless you got married in the Church.

There is a difference between religion and faith, between rituals and spirituality. People can see themselves as "religious" because they are trying to follow what they perceive as "the rules", but this can turn into rigid and uncaring behaviour. The entire focus is on the rules, following them, being seen as following them, and wanting to escape punishment for not following them.

That was precisely the attitude and behaviour of most of the religious leaders who turned on Jesus and had Him killed. Jesus was the son of Mary but also the Son of God, and He still is, now that in his human body He rose from the dead, left the tomb, walked about meeting his disciples for 40 days, and then ascended to the Father's right hand in Heaven. People who rigidly try to follow religious rules do that because they have not yet actually met the living God in Person. God isn't real to them yet, not in a personal way, but only as a "big threatening figure in the sky" whom they believe to be ready to punish them as soon as they step out of line, or else be ready to throw them down into hell for all eternity at their moment of death. In effect, they understand nothing of who God is nor of the ways of the Lord.

Jesus seriously said that whatever we do to others - all the other people we meet on Earth, and especially the people in our own lives - we do those very same things to Jesus Himself. In other words, Jesus - along with his Father and the Holy Spirit - because they are so united together, we call them the Most Holy Trinity - because they love us without any conditions, they care for us, for each and every one of us so much, that they take personally whatever we do to one another, even to strangers.

That is why Jesus kept repeating: "Repent, and believe the good news."

What I just said about God's unconditional love is the good news. The bad news is that we are badly out of sync with God and his design for us, and we need to stop, turn around, repent, change our attitude and behaviours, and accept to live a new life in communion with God and at peace with our neighbour, and even with enemies.

What you need to hear, my daughter, is that God loves you; you are his daughter, and the dignity that He built into you from the moment of your conception is God's gift to you, the value of who you are for yourself as well as for others, and no one can take your dignity away from you.

You may at times be badly treated by others, but they only betray themselves, making visible the evil within them, or the limits of their goodness, their lack of maturity and responsibility, their lack of sensitivity and caring. Jesus proclaimed us blessed when we suffer in these ways, because we are being treated in the same way that He was treated. Even though Jesus is Love in Person; He was rejected, falsely accused, unfairly condemned, tortured, and cruelly executed. He accepted to suffer in this way because the Father sent Him into the world to demonstrate to humanity for all time what God is really like, and what authentic love looks like in a human being.

You options are, among the following, to accept what you suffer out of love for God, and offer your suffering as a pleasing sacrifice to God; as Jesus did on the Cross. No one can coerce us to do this; it is something that can only happen when we find within us the love to do it willingly and even gladly. That is why every day we need to be filled with God's love for us; filled with the Holy Spirit, because only God living within us and loving us can enable us to love with this same divine love.

Second, you can decide to withdraw from your man and, with God's help, find a better man more qualified and willing to be a true husband. God has filled you with dignity and his gifts and He wants to give you more... his truth, his goodness, and his beauty... and you don't need to feel obliged to "waste" your gifts on someone who is unwilling or unable to appreciate them or you, or who is incapable or unwilling to truly love you. Jesus warned us not to put our pearls (our dignity) before pigs, because they will turn around and maul us.

Third, you can try to have a mature and peaceful conversation with your man, expecting him to behave and chat like a responsible and mature adult. In such a conversation, there are no accusations. No one points a finger and cries out: "You...." Rather, each one calmly relates what it is like being who they are, what it is like to suffer as a result of attitudes shown, words said, actions done, and actions failed to be done. For example: "Yesterday, I heard the following words... these words stabbed me like a knife, and I cried for hours." When I honestly open my mind and heart to someone, their only options are to be silent, to believe me, or not believe me, or they can go on the defensive and try to justify themselves, or they can turn on me with an offensive barrage of accusations.... It can get ugly when one or both are not willing to be honest and humble, willing to believe and trust the other, willing to take responsibility for themselves and to acknowledge the unique life and person of the other.

No one can "put some sense into" another person's head. Each human person must accept to face life's challenges, to take responsibility for their own attitudes, thoughts, words, actions, and failures to act. This is what it means for a boy to become a man and for a girl to become a woman, for a child to become an adult. Each person must decide to stop blaming everyone else for what they suffer and for their disappointments. Life often sucks, and we all have to just get over it. We are called by God our Creator to learn that life is a gift, that other people are persons just like me, that they have dignity given them by God, that they have the right to exist, to breathe, and to live their life fully, and we need to be willing to be grateful, to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for life, for other people and what they contribute to our life, and ultimately, we are for a while on Earth to learn to be grateful to God and offer Him the worship that is due to Him.

When people enter into marriage with a 50 / 50 attitude, it is doomed to failure. God has designed us men and women to become a couple, and most of us try to do it. A few are called to live a solitary life, like priests and religious, and some professionals who dedicate their lives in service to humanity. In this enterprise of becoming a couple and entering into marriage, the man and the woman need to be mature and responsible, and they understand that the other is so precious that the other deserves that I give nothing less than 100% of everything that I am and have all of the time. Naturally, because of the original sin when human beings broke their trust in God and in each other, because of our mortal condition; we never measure up to this ideal of 100% of me and all that I am and have all of the time. That is why we need to practice showing each other kindness and understanding, mercy and forgiveness. This is especially true because we grow and develop at a different pace, in different seasons of life, and go through different stages at different times from each other.

Feel free, my daughter, to reply with further thoughts or questions.

At some point, it would make sense for these exchanges to be between the priest and the couple. If a couple are not capable or willing to open up to a priest with complete and mutual trust; then it would appear that the man and woman are not really a couple. They may be living under the same roof, they may be sharing the same bed, they may even have sexual intimacy, but it is unlikely that it is anything like what God our Creator designed us to be capable of, nor what He intended for us in order to experience life and his blessing in abundance. God's design for the intimate union of a man and a woman is that He designed us for much more than simply copulating as animals do. God designed us to be capable of a union of minds, hearts, and souls, as well as of bodies.

It makes no sense for one to treat the other like dirt all week and then suddenly expect to get intimate. The true and authentic intimacy can only be honest, pure, and true when it has something to express and celebrate... the countless acts of selfless service and authentic caring and tenderness one for the other all through the week, day and night, attentive to each other, striving to fulfill the other's needs, appreciative of the other's caring service and attention to their children. Then it becomes much more than a brief physical climax, but a profound and lingering union of souls melting into one another. Then, after that intimacy, the husband and wife lie next to each other in silence, in rapt contemplation of the profound mystery into which they have been drawn, into a truly "Holy Communion" of persons, as holy as the Holy Communion with Jesus in his Body and Blood. That wife is touched by Jesus when her husband chastely embraces her without thought of grabbing pleasure for himself but entirely preoccupied with blessing her. That husband is touched by Jesus when his wife lovingly accepts his chaste embraces and he understands that Jesus is loving him through her warm presence and affectionate attachment to him....

                                                   Pax + Caritas,       Fr. Gilles

See below my previous post: How can we help our parents, especially when they grow old, as they suffer - and we suffer - because of their faults?

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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2024 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2024 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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What are the acceptable and sinless signs of affection in a relationship? ( Kisses, hugs, touch.....)

Dear young woman,

You are now asking: "What are the acceptable and sinless signs of affection in a relationship? ( Kisses, hugs, touch.....)"

It is less about the gestures and more about what is in the heart, what are the motivations, what is it that we are really desiring, seeking, wanting?

When a touch, a hug, a kiss comes toward you, is he coming to "take" something from you, or is he offering something to you? Also, what is it that you want and desire? Is it in accord with God's plan for our happiness? Is it in accord with what God wants for you, what God is calling you to do?

A man and a woman can stand face to face, holding hands. He moves his face a little closer, but respectfully waits. She moves her face a little closer, which he interprets as her willingness to do more; so, he kisses her gently. She receives the kiss also gently.

Then suddenly, to her surprise, he kisses or grabs her more passionately - the male hormones tends to put men into "overdrive" - in a kind of frenzy in which he is no longer in control of his actions and his whole body is driving him towards relief of the pressure he feels... which basically is relieved when his genitals expel the sperm and he then experiences a "rinsing out" of hormones and the pressure is relieved. When husband and wife are intimate, after the man has ejaculated, if he was previously tired, he will often fall asleep then.

A woman's problem and challenge is that what began so gently and respectfully has suddenly transformed into something far more passionate, perhaps even, from her point of view, a bit violent, or even very violent. Now she tries to push him away and says "No!" but he doesn't understand, or he thinks she is just playing with him, and so he continues. It becomes a big problem. The reason it becomes so confusing is that the two of them did not talk it out clearly beforehand. In every relationship, these things must be made very clear; otherwise, the risk remains for misunderstanding and misery.

You see, a woman's "weakness" or "vulnerability" is her desire to please. She is afraid to say "No!" to the man she desires when he wants "more" physical affection from her, because she is afraid he will be displeased and may even reject her and look for someone else who will more easily give him what he wants. Woman is afraid of being unloved, of being rejected, or remaining alone, abandoned. That is why it is so important for fathers to love their daughters well; so that they already know they are loved and lovable and don't need to find a boy to love them. What God says to all his daughters is this:

"Be not afraid. If when you say "No!" to the man you like and he then rejects you and goes away; rejoice, and be glad, for he was not worthy of you. If you had stayed with him, he would only have brought you heartache. Conserve your "treasures" carefully, my daughter, and keep them for the man I your God and Creator, your heavenly Father, have in mind for you, a man truly worthy of you, who will respect you and not try to take from you that which you will freely choose to give him on the day you commit your lives to one another for life, on your wedding day. Then, even after the wedding day, for the rest of your lives together, such a good man will never try to "take" anything from you. On the contrary, he will study you and learn what pleases you and make many efforts to give you tenderness and affection in ways that truly please you and cherish you as his beloved."

I wrote everything I wrote in the last email because the challenge never goes away that the woman and the man experience everything differently. That means you must always be "on alert" to be aware of your dignity, your goals, and your limits. You, each of you, need to explore these things, and to understand more completely what it is that you want in your life.

Do you want to know and to do the will of God? Do you want to love God and to embrace the plan He has for your life? What about your boyfriend? Does he want to know and to do the will of God? Do he want to love God and to embrace the plan He has for his life?

To answer your question in a different way, expressions of affection between boys and girls should never be different than what would be appropriate for brother and sister or for children with their parents and relatives. No one should engage in anything more "passionate" outside of marriage, because the way God our Creator designed woman and man, once the affectionate gestures cross over into passionate embrace, then hormones "take over" and "drive them towards union" and towards the "creation of new life", that is, the fertilization by the man of the woman's eggs. Before marriage, touching, hugging, and kissing must remain gentle, and "brief", so as to avoid stirring up the fires of passion. Once the fire is lit, it is almost impossible to stop.

Women must be very understanding and considerate of men, who are much more easily and much more quickly "aroused" and burst into raging fire. For their part, men must be very mature and disciplined, and learn how to master their own impulses and passions. Otherwise, they are unsafe for the women in their lives, and they will be incapable of being chaste, respectful of their wife, or faithful to her.

You see, we are all affected or "infected" by the thinking, the values, and the behaviour of the world, of the society, of the culture around us. We "swim" in it like fish in the water. We "take in" countless impressions, images, and emotions from this culture, and much of what we "take in" is in accord with pagan values or even total lack of values. One dominant "value" or "negative value" in our culture is "If it feels good, do it." But what often "feels good" to the man does not "feel good" to the woman, which is why there are so many sexual abuse and harassment cases in the courts.

If we really want to live life fully and to enjoy the abundance of life God wants to give us, we need to conduct ourselves according to God's standards, and not according to the world's standards.

On another of my Blogger pages, you will find several articles and links on a wide variety of topics around human sexuality, love, fertility, and happiness - Field Hospital for Meaning, Purpose, and Fulfillment in Human Intimacy and Sexuality. 

Does this begin to help to clarify this question for you?

If you email me, I will be very happy to respond to you, either of you, or better yet, both of you. You will find a button to easily email me if you go to my home page and scroll down a little or simply go here: EMAIL ME.

Peace to you and your families. God is with you; you can trust in Him. You can trust in Jesus, the Divine Mercy.

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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2022 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2022 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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A young woman or young man asks: "How can we conduct ourselves in such a way as to have a chaste relationship before God?"

My very dear young woman, here are a few thoughts for you and your boyfriend. My very dear young man, here are a few thoughts for you and your girlfriend.

First of all, I wouldn't be surprised if it is you, the woman, who is asking me this question, and not the man. You are asking "how to conduct yourselves as girlfriend and boyfriend so that your relationship will be a chaste relationship." As you will see, the fact that you, the woman, who is asking this question, this is already an indication of the things I am about to share with you. If the young man is asking me this question; then, I will be very impressed with him, that he would have this capacity to care so much for the other as well as for himself. I will be very interested to continue this as a chat with both of you, you, young woman, and your boyfriend, by email, if this is something you would like to do. You can easily find on my home page, if you scroll down a little, a button for sending me an email. What follows is fairly lengthy, but then your question touches on very deep things.

When I was in high school, a boys only school on our side - the girls were with religious sisters on the other side - some of my classmates wanted to know, at 16 years old, "Brother, how far can we go?" He was asking the question in thinking about going out with his girlfriend.

Well, that is a normal question I think for a 16-year-old boy, and perhaps also the girl.

However, there is wisdom, I think, in the difference that God our Creator built into women and men. We are definitely made, designed, different, which means that we experience these things differently, and therefore, we react differently.

Generally speaking, in the vast domain of human relationships, it is quite true to say that human males, from puberty on, without even thinking about it, just by being male human beings, in approaching their relationships with girls as boys or with women as men, sexual intimacy tends to be quite prominent in their bodies, minds, imaginations, hearts, and perhaps even in their souls. This is primarily because their sexual sensitivity is "on the outside".

Human females, on the other hand, while they are also "fully equipped sexually", their sexual sensitivity is "on the inside". That is because God designed the human female to be the "host" of the "new life" that happens when the female's "eggs" begin to "ripen" and descent towards the place where they are likely to meet the spermatozoa contributed by the male. Our Creator designed our human sexuality entirely around this capacity we have to "create new life", which makes us "in God's image and likeness". Therefore, God made woman to be resilient, to "last" through almost any human difficulty or calamity. Think of your own mothers, grandmothers, and aunts. Just ask any woman who finds it hard to lose weight, and she will tell you that this is so. When there is a famine, men will die sooner than women, because God designed women to be able to nurse their babies as long as possible during calamities.

This means, then, that God our Creator designed women "to give life, to nurture life". For this and other reasons, in approaching their relationships with men, just as it is also true for girls with boys, the human female tends to have foremost in her body, mind, imagination, heart, and soul not sexual sensitivity, but rather the relationship itself, in other words, friendship, fraternity, and simple caring about the other.

This is why in the course of the "battles" between boys and girls, men and women, the males tend to be "pushed" by their internal pressures "towards sexual pleasure and gratification"; whereas the females tend to be "drawn" by their need and desire for relationship, for friendship, to simply know from others that they are "lovable" and "loved". No sexual activity is needed for her to be satisfied. All she needs is for him to look into her eyes, to walk with her, to hold her hand, and to chat with her and "talk about a million things".

This continues to be true all through life. In marriage, the woman is called the "bride" and the man is called the "bridegroom". The wisdom contained in these terms already contains the truth that, in God our Creator's design, He has made the female so "rich", so "full of life", so "attentive and giving" of herself, so generous in "all that she says and does for others", that she deserves to be appreciated, valued, defended, cherished, and cared for. Men can very easily be selfish... just look at the world around us and at all the conflicts worldwide and you will see how little men think of woman and children when they make war on one another. So, then, the man is called the "bridegroom" because God designed him to have all he needs in order to appreciate, value, defend, cherish, and care for the women in his life: beginning with his mother and grandmother, his aunts and cousins, his sisters, and all the other females that come into his life.

When a husband truly is and truly lives like a bridegroom and "grooms" his wife well, cares for her and cherishes her every single day of their lives; then, his wife notices this and values him in return. She knows she has a real treasure, and she attaches herself to him. When they spend much "couple time" together, chatting, sharing, listening, holding hands, looking into each others' eyes... then they experience a real "fullness of intimacy" in their way of living together and relating to one another, caring for one another, all day and all night, all week long, for their whole lives. Then, the actual sexual intimacy happens very naturally to them. As they pay attention to one another, they give "signals" to one another to "approach", to "come nearer", and if they truly CARE for the OTHER, they pay attention to these signals, and nothing happens that either doesn't want, and there only happens what they both want. This is the perfect "nest" in which new life can be conceived.

However, when men don't fully understand or were never initiated or mentored into their identity, place, and role "as a man" in this world; then there is a risk for men, as for boys, to "follow their instincts, their impulses" which, if left unmoderated, ungoverned, makes human males into "big penises on wheels". That is how it happens at parties and on college and university campuses, in workplaces, and anywhere in society that a man "thinks" the woman is "saying yes" when in fact she really wants to "say no". That is how date rape happens, and sexual harassment and violence. The simple fact that a man "finds her attractive" can give him the impression she is "saying yes", but in actual fact, if he bothered to read all the signs and to take the time to find out how she really feels, he would probably find out that at this time, and in this situation, she probably wants to "say no".

A woman's weakness is her desire to please, to give life, to nurture life, to "say yes to life".  That is primarily what makes women the "weaker sex"; it is not that she is weak, because as I wrote above, God our Creator designed woman to be resilient. A man's weakness is his inclination to think of himself first, and not to put the other first. When he does that, he can allow himself to be dominated by his "sexual drive" which propels him "towards the goal", which is not the relationship, not the good of the other, but his own satisfaction, to "relieve the sexual pressure" driving him onward.

That is why it is so important for parents, for mothers and fathers AS COUPLES to educate and form their children well, both boys and girls, to understand themselves, to understand the purpose of life, to learn how to put others first, to learn how to notice, understand, and "master" within themselves their human drives and inclinations, and also to understand how different these things are in boys and girls, in men and women, and how to take care not to take advantage of others.

I have read, for example, that some good fathers take great care to love their girls and to show each of them how beautiful and lovable their are. Some fathers give each of their daughters a beautiful ring on their 16th birthday to demonstrate to her how much he loves her as her father and to let her know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that she is not only lovable, but lovely, and loved. She no longer needs to try to find from boyfriends this knowledge, because her own father makes it very clear to her that she is "fully equipped" for life, that she holds in herself an infinitely precious treasure, and that she should take care not to "throw it away" to just anyone, but safeguard her riches carefully for the day when she meets a man truly a man and worthy of her, capable to caring for her as a husband should.

In his relationship with his boys, this good father demonstrates and shows them how to respect, love, and cherish the women in their lives, beginning with their own mother, grandmother, sisters, and aunts and cousins. He helps them understand how they must make efforts to "master" their own inclinations in order to "have the freedom" to apply all their resources to love well the women in their lives and truly care for them and cherish them. Only then will they themselves be truly happy.

In the intimacy between a husband and wife, which is the normal context within which sexual intimacy can take place without any dangers to either of them or to their couple relationship, the woman "takes longer" to "warm up" to the intimate encounter; whereas in a way the man is "always ready to go". This is primarily because the male "sexual equipment" is external and generally requires very little stimulation to "get going".

In the long-term relationship between a husband and wife, and between the wife and her husband, this often is where they can experience trouble. The wife simply needs - like the fiancee - to "be noticed, to be appreciated, to be looked into her eyes, to have her hand held, to walk together and chat together, and have the satisfaction of being in a relationship with a man who is truly her friend and shows his ability, willingness, and eagerness to put her good, her well being, her interests ahead of his own". Generally speaking she doesn't need sexual intimacy, and she won't "need it" until they are married and she is "ready to conceive life" and to nurture that life. For a fiancee and for a wife to be truly fulfilled in their relationship with their fiance, their husband, women need their man to demonstrate every day his ability, willingness, and eagerness to "master himself and all his impulses" and to "be there" for her.

We men do find our fulfillment and happiness in depth and in a lasting and fulfilling way only when we accept to take our responsibilities, to "master our impulses", to be "masters of our own house, that is, our own self", and when we learn and accept to put ourselves wholeheartedly at the service of those "we think we love, those we say we love, those we want to love". Any man not willing or interested to do that or dedicated to do that is not worthy of any woman, let alone the one he would life someday to marry. The man who cannot or will not master himself is like all the men worldwide throwing their societies into conflicts and wars, as if they not only don't care but don't even notice how they are plunging their own people, their women and children, into hardship. They see only the so-called values they want to push and are willing to declare war on anyone and everyone who stands in their way.

The man who is truly a man, on the other hand, is like Pope Francis, like a diplomat, like an ambassador, who entirely dedicates himself to the service of others, like Jesus himself, who came that we might have life and have it to the full. Read Jesus' words as recorded by the Apostle and Evangelist John in his Gospel, chapter 10, where he presents Jesus as the Good Shepherd.

So, my young friend, does this begin to answer your question?

If you email me, I will be very happy to respond to you, either of you, or better yet, both of you.

Peace to you and your families. God is with you; you can trust in Him. You can trust in Jesus, the Divine Mercy.

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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2022 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2022 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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Marriage or celibacy? What is better, healthier, more likely to lead to happiness: a life with sex or a life without sex? What about contentment versus loneliness? Does human life have a universal purpose and meaning?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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Marriage or celibacy? What is better, healthier, more likely to lead to happiness: a life with sex or a life without sex? Does human sexuality have any bearing on loneliness, contentment, peace and serenity, and joy? Are there any other factors at work? Are there any other factors stitching all these elements together?

There are as many views as there are human beings living and breathing on the Earth at any given time, I suppose. What is most likely to bring clarity is what we know most definitively from the domain of science from publicly verified sources, whose findings have been universally corroborated and verified as true and reliable. The picture would not be complete without also taking into consideration the findings, confirmed repeatedly through various times and places, cultures and societies, by those that have been universally upheld by their contemporaries as "holy" or "wise", the "enlightened" and "saints", who had the courage and determination to pursue in practical ways and with perseverance the principles they discovered themselves and those they received from the "wise" and the "saints" who preceded them.

Form these generally accepted and trusted sources, several operating principles have, over the centuries and millennia, been clearly established as universal, verifiable, and everywhere applicable. Let us list them, in no particular order.

1. Marriage, Children, and Family

The most basic and fundamental human institution is that of marriage, that is, the lifelong union of one man with one woman, for the purpose of their mutual aid in the course of their life times, in their pursuit of procreating and raising children and the establishment and maintenance of a family, for the most part in collabortion and solidarity with other families, generally in social groupings known as clans, tribes, extended families, peoples, and nations.

2. Celibates as complements and supports to Society

In almost every time and place, in just about every society, there have always been individuals, both men and women, who for various reasons did not become a couple with a counterpart of the opposite sex and gender, but who - either by choice or necessity - lived alone, often in isolation, but generally in some form of solidarity, with the rest of their society. These celibate men and women generally lived as hermits, or else within the circle of a larger community of clan, village, tribe, or people, and who often offered some sort of service or help to their society, and which enabled them to sustain themselves.

3. The resolution of conflicts and works of peace towards the common good 

Very diverse societies, cultures, times, and places all seem to afford examples of arrangements, either formal or informal, whereby the majority of the population develop into couples with families, and at the same time a small number of celibates live "on the fringe" or even in the "heart" of their society. These celibates may be among the "ruling class" or simply be considered to dwell among the "servant class" or more remotely on the "fringes" or "peripheries" of their society. Whenever such a celibate acquires truly and justly the good reputation of being "holy" or "wise", "enlightened" or "saints", people in need of their guidance or help would go out to them with various requests. 

The more these requests obtained satisfactory resolutions, the more "beaten" the path to that celibate's door became. Peace and serenity, practical advice and counsel, and even healings and miraculous interventions have been widely documented as experienced and verified by people who have had recourse to such celibate men and women. Occasionally, the celibate or hermit would come into the heart of the society in the face of some grave conflict in order to bring counsel and resolution to those locked in apparently unsolvable conflict. As a reward for their labours, these advocates of peace were either thanked or persecuted and killed, depending on the quality of openness and welcome their words found in the hearts of those in conflict. 

4. What about human sexuality and the sexual "appetite"?

University degrees are not needed for anyone to come to the realization that our various human appetites are never fully satisfied. We are drawn to food because our mortal body requires the regular replenishment of "fuel reserves" in order to sustain itself and function optimally according to "normal parameters", to take an expression from the Star Trek "universe". We also have normal appetites for water and other forms of drink, for water to wash and bathe for cleanliness, for clothing to protect the body from variations of cold and heat, and for shelter from the elements and protection from predators and other dangers. We have appetites for pleasant sights and sounds, for smells and touch sensations.

The human "sexual appetite" is universally recognized as one of our most powerful, if not our most powerful human appetite. Among all our appetites, some are oriented towards survival and the maintenance of our physical life and existence; while others are rather oriented towards learning, diversion, entertainment, and pleasure. We don't need music to survive, but it greatly enhances the quality of life and may even contribute to the peace and ultimately, to the survival of a people. 

5. What about human sexuality and clear communication, health and mutual respect?

There exists a superabundant store of knowledge touching on human sexualty and the human "sexual appetite" to draw the certain conclusion that this unique human appetite is fraught with challenges and dangers, both for individuals and for others whose lives are "touched" be each individual man and woman. At the "dark end of the spectrum", we have come to learn about the many infections and sexually transmitted diseases that are related to the unrestricted engagement in sexual practices. As long as a human couple made up of one man and one woman remain faithful to each other and refrain from engaging in sexual activity with anyone else, they generally remain free from such threats to their health and life. Sexually transmitted infections and life threatening diseases are generally known to be the result of "serial sexual activity", or the unfettered sexual activity of people with a limited or unlimited "series of partners", of either the opposite or their own sex and gender. These are serious threats not only to individuals but also to the entire fabric of human society. For this reason, both civil and religious authorities have not only the right but the obligation to propose and impose sanctions on their constituents with rapport to any sexual activity outside the confines of each individual couple. 

The dimension of clear and honest communication between men and women generally, but in particular with rapport to the human sexual appetite and legitimate sexual activity within the confines of the human couple and family, has been found to be at the heart of all sexual activity and restraint. These principles are not only relevant to health and survival, but they are most pertinent to good order, peace and serenity, and that contentment which permits happiness in this mortal and brief existence. A life without mutual respect quickly degenerates into a miserable existence when added to all the other challenges of survival and the simple maintenance of life, health, security, and peace. 

At the heart of all distress related to both desired and unwanted sexual behaviour and activity is the great challenge of engaging in clear communication while simultaneously avoiding misinterpretation of one another's intentions. In particular, many women who later claim to have been violated by a man related how they were initially interested in the exchange of low intensity forms of affection, but how at some point the man's advances became too suddenly more intense or beyond the normal limits of low levels of affection. At that point they would have said "No." or would have tried to get up or withdraw themselves, or push away the advances that were no longer wanted. Sadly, the man either did not hear or perceive the change in them or the withdrawal of their consent, or else that man chose to ignore this change, deciding to pursue to the ultimate conclusion the satisfaction of his sexual appetite with callous disregard for the respect due to that woman or for the change in her intentions or consent. 

6. What about the human sexual appetite makes it so beautiful or misleading and dangerous?

It is well known by all who have ever engaged in sexual activity, but also can be known by those willing to learn from their elders, that once the sexual appetite is aroused, the faculty of our human will remains free only for a brief and limited time. The further "in" one goes in the pursuit of satisfaction of this sexual appetite, the degree of freedom in our human will experiences simultaneous and opposite reduction. In other words, the more one is "sexually aroused" the less one is free to slow down or stop. 

This is where the logic of the married couple becomes more and more apparent. The man and woman to become friends and, over a period of time which becomes courtship and leading to engagement, which then prepares them to enter into marriage, this couple is constituted by one man and one woman to come to know each other more and more truly and more and more intimately. They learn to verify one another's signals and intentions, learning especially from their failures if misinterpretation, and in such ways having their own impressions, interpretations, and judgements "purified" by the other through an intricate and never ending process of mutual knowledge and understanding. Such a couple become very refined in their ability to "read" one another's needs, desires, wants, intentions, hopes, and aspirations.

As some put it, each of them pass through the stages of primary school, high school, college, university, post-graduate studies, post-doctoral research, and life-long learning and expertise in the knowledge of their partner, friend, and spouse. With time, it becomes more and more unlikely that either of them would misinterpret one another's "sexual signals", which allows them to show one another more and more "mutual respect" and "mutual love and devotion". The very intense experiences of sexual arousal with the release of all the powerful related hormones all become highly disciplined by the ways in which they have come to know, love, and respect one another, and to put themselves at the service of one another for the greater good of their couple and family. In other words, the sexual appetite is more and more "tamed" and "domesticated" and made to "serve" the other and the couple, as opposed to remaining an unbridled "wild thing" interested only in the pursuit of its own selfish desires.

In any event, the sexual appetite in itself is hopelessly "handicapped" and unable ever to attain anything resembling contentment or satisfaction. No man can ever reach in himself deep and lasting satisfaction for his sexual appetite; nor can any woman by herself either. The simple reason for this is that the ultimate and lasting satisfaction of the human sexual appetite lies not in its use, but rather beyond itself; that is, in its contribution to the "higher" and "deeper" purpose of the human relationship itself. To put it simply, the sexual union of a married man and woman with each other, with each successive "union", "cements" them to each other. At the same time, all that they live together and for each other in the course of every day and night, builds up their friendship and relationship of love; so that when they do come to the preliminaries and intensity of sexual union, it is truly a celebration of all that they have become for one another and together. 

Their married life becomes a beautiful and harmonious tempo and "dance" between living and celebrating, serving and embracing, giving and receiving. It is the strength of their love in mutual service and devotion that "protects" them from the potential ravages of the otherwise "unfettered" sexual appetite. Such married couples, as they become devoted parents, enter into the paradox of experiencing deeper and deeper meaning and satisfaction in the "spending" of themselves and "pouring themselves out" in loving service to each other and to their children. They find "rest" in each other's arms when they are able to be together in recognition and celebration of all that they are becoming for each other, for others, and together. 

Having seen all this as it unfolds and applies to each mutually faithful, respectful, and devoted married couple of husband and wife, we can see how the same factors would be found to apply in reverse for all human beings who engage in sexual activity outside the context and protection of the married couple. Without the mutual knowledge of one single life long partner, it is impossible to ever sufficiently know others or their intentions or true desires; which exponentially increases the likelihood of misreading and misunderstanding one another's behaviours, words, facial expressions, "signals", and intentions. To this same extent then are increased the likelihood of misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and violation.

People who have no knowledge of or no interest or motivation in attenuating or controlling or restraining their sexual impulses and appetites are for these very reasons "dangerous" in their potention for not perceiving, misreading, or intentionally ignoring the intentions of their chosen sexual "partner" who is much more likely to become "prey" or "victim". This is why such people with unbridled or unfettered sexual appetites are generally categorized as "sexual predators". 

7. What about human sexuality and society?

Human sexuality is rather uniquely situated in that it is oriented towards the continuation and survival of our entire human species, by the function of human reproduction, and the necessary complementary function of the raising, education, and formation of the children who - from the moment of their birth and separation from their mother - live and exist in a relatively helpless and dependent state until their maturity and independence can be established. In some societies, boys and girls are deemed fully mature and independent as soon as they can survive on their own and contribute to the sustenance of their immediate collectivity, their family or clan or village. This has been observed to happen as soon as shortly after the transformation that occurs at the time of puberty. Boys and girls as young as 12 or 13 would assume their place in their society and even be given to each other in marriage.

For any family or other social grouping or community to function optimally for the common good of the whole collectivity and the personal good of all that collectivity's individuals, all children must be taught and formed to understand and discipline their sexual appetite, and to learn how to see how it relates to the entire range of their human emotions. As well, they must learn to better know and understand themselves in all these intricate dimensions of human life, how to relate to others with respect, and how to give their assent to the "social contract" whereby they will assume their part in contributing to the common good; while also giving meaning and purpose to their own life. 

8. What about the universal human experience of loneliness?

Dr. Jeannine Guindon, Ph.D, foundress of the Institut de Formation Humaine Intégrale de Montréal and of the social service field of "psycho-education", while doing all that she did to establish her method of formation in Montreal, Québec, Canada; also conducted over several decades a study of the stages of human development, otherwise called the seasons of human life. Avoiding starting out with premices or biases or scientific theories; she simply interviewed people at various ages, asking them what was happening in their life. What were their satisfactions and dissatisfactions, desires and frustrations, accomplishments and failures. What failed to satisfy and what brought meaning and purpose to their lives? Over time she found a certain confirmation of established psychological and social theories, namely, that human beings go through certain "stages in life". We pass from one stage to the next over a period of a few years, and how this varies from one person to another establishes each transition as potentially taking place within the range of a decade, that is, from the middle of one decade to the middle of the next; for example, sometime between the age of 26 and 35 we find "turning 30". Dr. Guindon touched on these seasons of life in her foundational work on the stages of re-education whereby people are helped to better understand themselves and take responsibility for their lives.

To sum up the two stages of turning 30 and 40, Dr. Guindon found that after setting out in life from 16 to 25, people almost universally experienced "increasing dissatisfaction" with what they have lived and experienced by the time they approach 30, that is, somewhere between 26 and 35, depending on whether they arrive at this "earlier" or "later". As she "distilled" people's comments, she was able to draw out a common thread, and she described this dissatisfaction as the person "experiencing a call to go deeper" into their life, or into the meaning and purpose they wish to give to their life. She gave to this particular decade and its "calling" to us as a "call to interiority". In other words, all that motivated the young adult entering into their 20's was no longer sufficient to sustain a high degree of satisfaction. Superficial or material goals were no longer enought. Their human spirit craved deeper objectives.

The person who successfully navigates this stage of "turning 30" and does attempt to "go deeper" in their quest to give meaning and purpose to their lives are able to experience a new level or degree of satisfaction in the meaning and purpose of their lives. They are now fully qualified to experience and sense a new dissatisfaction, a new calling. Having progressed and ventured into deeper realms of their human existence, these people begin to sense deep within their accomplishment a troubling unease. They begin to feel lonely beyond the normal human experience of loneliness at certain times. This new experience or sensation of loneliness comes and is felt as "embedded" within the satisfaction and the felt accomplishment in giving their chosen meaning and purpose to their lives. Their appetite for meaning and purpose, for fulfillment and happiness, remains unabated, not fully satisfied. 

They remain lonely. What does this mean? What is a happily married person, in a happily married couple, to make of this loneliness within the very depth of their deep mutual love and happiness? Dr. Guindon found that this new development, this new depth of dissatisfaction represented the coming to more acute awareness of our individuality as human beings. We are each separate individual human beings, like separate "bubbles" of human existence, unable to "merge" into one another. No one can enter into me to see and feel what it is like to "be me" on the inside. Nor am I able to enter into the other to see and feel what it is like to "be them" on the inside. We are each of us alone. I am alone.

There is no final remedy for this condition, but it is not a curse. Dr. Guindon discovered that people do not experience this isolation and feeling of loneliness as a curse. On the contrary, she found that there is within this sensation of loneliness a new human "calling" and she termed it as the "call to solitude". This human call to solitude, somewhere between 36 and 45 years of age, is a blessing, or a wonderful opportunity to more fully and deeply accept and embrace the truth of what and who we are as humans.

The person who at turning 30 accepted to respond to their "call to interiority" and who now at turning 40 experiences this novel degree or depth of loneliness and accept and embrace it as a "call to solitude" find that there is unleashed within them a new "surge" of energy that is released by the new clarity with which they understand and deliberately, freely embrace their unique human life and common condition.

9. What about the celibate and the universal human experience of loneliness?

What both the married person and the celibate need to understand in order to experience greater freedom in life and better opportunity to embrace their life and condition and take effective steps to give greater and deeper meaning and purpose to their lives, is that we human beings have within us two operative "wills" or "centers of identity". To put it in the religious or theological terms employed by Saint Paul the evangelist, which he received from his Hebrew culture and Jewish religious tradition, we human beings are composed of "flesh" and "spirit". In modern terms, we are "body" and "mind" or "body" and "spirit", "body" and "soul". Our body self experiences within itself its own "logic" and orientation; while our mind, spirit, soul lives at a different "level" or "dimension" of life, and the two remain somewhat insulated or separate from one another. This insulation or separation accounts for much of the unfolding of human misery in this mortal human condition and existence.

Saint Paul, Saint Peter, and Saint James all greed to this "diagnosis" of our human condition about the "war" between these two human dimensions and "wills" within us. The celibate who ignores this opposition and takes no measures to "set up camp" in the domain of the spirit will find his life careening out of control; such that an appropriate caricature for his life might be that he is thinking, feeling, for a man, like "a big penis on wheels". The man who thinks, acts, and lives out of the "will" or "appetite" of his penis and all of his body sensations centered around his genitals will never experience any depth of satisfaction or fulfillment. He will be perennially frustrated in his desire to give higher or deeper meaning and purpose to his life. Even the married man who has equally failed to set camp in his spirit will be unable to attend rightfully or properly to his wife. Thinking only out of his own sexual appetite he will never be able to consider his wife as a separate human being with her own life, feelings, and purpose, but will be trapped and condemned to ever see her only through the think lens of his sexual appetite. He will never be able to consider her anything more than an object for his satisfaction, but that satisfaction will be forever frustrated and postponed in his inability to see her as a person.

The only way for human beings to bring order into their lives between these two "wills", between their spirit / mind / will and their flesh, is to set camp in their spirit, and from there to "regulate", subdue, "bridle", and discipline their sexual appetite, and taming it, make it serve the meaning and purpose they want to give to their life. For the married man, he must give up his human sexuality, put it at the service of his wife, and each day renew the selfless gift of himself to his wife out of selfless love for her, to serve her and respect her, to cherich her as his friend and partner and as the mother of their children.

That is the definition of chastity for the married man. For the celibate, chastity is defined and experienced as reducing to the state of "unemployment" of his genitals, but simultaneously recruiting to the service of love of neighbour all the faculties and energies of his "capacity for affection", laying aside any personal seeking for affective satisfaction. Instead, the celibate enters into a life of selfless service, in which in the very service and encounter of others, he will find affection in the very giving of human warmth, caring and service to others. He can only receive affection in the giving of it, and never in the "taking" or "grabbing" after it. By gently and kindly acknowledging the "murmuring" or "complaints" and "arousals" of his sexual apparatus - from the genitals all the way to the brain by way of his emotions - the celibate deliberately "starves of his attention" all the clamoring and noise coming from his human flesh and sexual appetite, gradually subduing all those "voices" with the mastery of a "benevolent ruler" totally devoted to ruling his "subjects" with wisdom and expertise for their good.

All of this has been expressed from a man's point of view, which I am. I gather that the basic principles also apply for women, but in light of their different but complementary nature, they would express the understanding and application of these principles in a different but complementary fashion. I look forward to reading a similar reflection from any number of my sister human beings.

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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2021 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2021 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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