Dear young woman,
You are now asking: "What are the acceptable and sinless signs of affection in a relationship? ( Kisses, hugs, touch.....)"
It is less about the gestures and more about what is in the heart, what are the motivations, what is it that we are really desiring, seeking, wanting?
When a touch, a hug, a kiss comes toward you, is he coming to "take" something from you, or is he offering something to you? Also, what is it that you want and desire? Is it in accord with God's plan for our happiness? Is it in accord with what God wants for you, what God is calling you to do?
A man and a woman can stand face to face, holding hands. He moves his face a little closer, but respectfully waits. She moves her face a little closer, which he interprets as her willingness to do more; so, he kisses her gently. She receives the kiss also gently.
Then suddenly, to her surprise, he kisses or grabs her more passionately - the male hormones tends to put men into "overdrive" - in a kind of frenzy in which he is no longer in control of his actions and his whole body is driving him towards relief of the pressure he feels... which basically is relieved when his genitals expel the sperm and he then experiences a "rinsing out" of hormones and the pressure is relieved. When husband and wife are intimate, after the man has ejaculated, if he was previously tired, he will often fall asleep then.
A woman's problem and challenge is that what began so gently and respectfully has suddenly transformed into something far more passionate, perhaps even, from her point of view, a bit violent, or even very violent. Now she tries to push him away and says "No!" but he doesn't understand, or he thinks she is just playing with him, and so he continues. It becomes a big problem. The reason it becomes so confusing is that the two of them did not talk it out clearly beforehand. In every relationship, these things must be made very clear; otherwise, the risk remains for misunderstanding and misery.
You see, a woman's "weakness" or "vulnerability" is her desire to please. She is afraid to say "No!" to the man she desires when he wants "more" physical affection from her, because she is afraid he will be displeased and may even reject her and look for someone else who will more easily give him what he wants. Woman is afraid of being unloved, of being rejected, or remaining alone, abandoned. That is why it is so important for fathers to love their daughters well; so that they already know they are loved and lovable and don't need to find a boy to love them. What God says to all his daughters is this:
"Be not afraid. If when you say "No!" to the man you like and he then rejects you and goes away; rejoice, and be glad, for he was not worthy of you. If you had stayed with him, he would only have brought you heartache. Conserve your "treasures" carefully, my daughter, and keep them for the man I your God and Creator, your heavenly Father, have in mind for you, a man truly worthy of you, who will respect you and not try to take from you that which you will freely choose to give him on the day you commit your lives to one another for life, on your wedding day. Then, even after the wedding day, for the rest of your lives together, such a good man will never try to "take" anything from you. On the contrary, he will study you and learn what pleases you and make many efforts to give you tenderness and affection in ways that truly please you and cherish you as his beloved."
I wrote everything I wrote in the last email because the challenge never goes away that the woman and the man experience everything differently. That means you must always be "on alert" to be aware of your dignity, your goals, and your limits. You, each of you, need to explore these things, and to understand more completely what it is that you want in your life.
Do you want to know and to do the will of God? Do you want to love God and to embrace the plan He has for your life? What about your boyfriend? Does he want to know and to do the will of God? Do he want to love God and to embrace the plan He has for his life?
To answer your question in a different way, expressions of affection between boys and girls should never be different than what would be appropriate for brother and sister or for children with their parents and relatives. No one should engage in anything more "passionate" outside of marriage, because the way God our Creator designed woman and man, once the affectionate gestures cross over into passionate embrace, then hormones "take over" and "drive them towards union" and towards the "creation of new life", that is, the fertilization by the man of the woman's eggs. Before marriage, touching, hugging, and kissing must remain gentle, and "brief", so as to avoid stirring up the fires of passion. Once the fire is lit, it is almost impossible to stop.
Women must be very understanding and considerate of men, who are much more easily and much more quickly "aroused" and burst into raging fire. For their part, men must be very mature and disciplined, and learn how to master their own impulses and passions. Otherwise, they are unsafe for the women in their lives, and they will be incapable of being chaste, respectful of their wife, or faithful to her.
You see, we are all affected or "infected" by the thinking, the values, and the behaviour of the world, of the society, of the culture around us. We "swim" in it like fish in the water. We "take in" countless impressions, images, and emotions from this culture, and much of what we "take in" is in accord with pagan values or even total lack of values. One dominant "value" or "negative value" in our culture is "If it feels good, do it." But what often "feels good" to the man does not "feel good" to the woman, which is why there are so many sexual abuse and harassment cases in the courts.
If we really want to live life fully and to enjoy the abundance of life God wants to give us, we need to conduct ourselves according to God's standards, and not according to the world's standards.
On another of my Blogger pages, you will find several articles and links on a wide variety of topics around human sexuality, love, fertility, and happiness - Field Hospital for Meaning, Purpose, and Fulfillment in Human Intimacy and Sexuality.
Does this begin to help to clarify this question for you?
If you email me, I will be very happy to respond to you, either of you, or better yet, both of you. You will find a button to easily email me if you go to my home page and scroll down a little or simply go here: EMAIL ME.
Peace to you and your families. God is with you; you can trust in Him. You can trust in Jesus, the Divine Mercy.
© 2004-2022 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal QC
© 2004-2022 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC
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