My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.
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Hello Dear Suffering Soul,
I thank the suffering soul who trusted me with remarks along those lines, and for putting trust in me. I will be as candid as I can be also with you who read me here.
First of all, I have deep respect for women, because of the great dignity which God our Creator has given you, and because of your deep capacity - when this feminine human nature is embraced and accepted by each woman - to give life and nurture life in others.
I also have deep respect for men, because of the great dignity which God our Creator has given you, us because I myself am a man, and because of man's deep capacity to engage the world, struggle with it to cultivate it, and eke out an existence from it for himself and his family.
Of course, men are also capable of giving life and nurturing, but it seems evident that God has specifically designed woman with this capacity. Similarly, women are also capable of engaging the world, struggling with it and cultivating it - in fact, in many cultures women do most of the tilling of the soil - but again, it seems evident that God has specifically designed man with this capacity.
Unfortunately, that same capacity in woman to be inclusive of others and to care for them, can also become a weak point that can be exploited by people who are either unscrupulous or who simply have not sufficiently matured so as to be sensitive to the dignity of others and still too selfish to become aware of others as living persons and to respect them. It's normal for a baby at the breast to be selfish because that is the first stage of life and the other stages have not yet developed. However, it is sad, even tragic, and downright dangerous when a full grown human being is still selfish and entirely preoccupied only with their own self; oblivious to others as living persons.
Man's capacity can also become a weak point exploited by others, which we can readily observe in the "new slavery" evident all over the planet; whereby men are drawn into "voluntary slavery" by being seduced by the "carrot" promising them rewards and advancement, but with the "stick" close behind, threatening to punish them or fire them if they don't comply. The fear, even terror, engendered by this new slavery explains why men surrender to long hours away from their wife, children, and home.
From this point on, I will write only from the woman's point of view, the female soul who wrote to me. Men have only to reverse the values for the text to equally apply to them in their situations of abuse or neglect by their woman.
This seems to be what you reported to me as happening to you by what you sense is a lack of respect, of caring, of responsibility, of friendship, of cooperation, and of love - authentic caring - on the part of your male partner.
If I understand correctly, you and he lived in intimacy for most of the past several years, but then when he suddenly took more interest in religion, he laid down "the law" to you; stating that you could no longer have intimacy unless you got married in the Church.
There is a difference between religion and faith, between rituals and spirituality. People can see themselves as "religious" because they are trying to follow what they perceive as "the rules", but this can turn into rigid and uncaring behaviour. The entire focus is on the rules, following them, being seen as following them, and wanting to escape punishment for not following them.
That was precisely the attitude and behaviour of most of the religious leaders who turned on Jesus and had Him killed. Jesus was the son of Mary but also the Son of God, and He still is, now that in his human body He rose from the dead, left the tomb, walked about meeting his disciples for 40 days, and then ascended to the Father's right hand in Heaven. People who rigidly try to follow religious rules do that because they have not yet actually met the living God in Person. God isn't real to them yet, not in a personal way, but only as a "big threatening figure in the sky" whom they believe to be ready to punish them as soon as they step out of line, or else be ready to throw them down into hell for all eternity at their moment of death. In effect, they understand nothing of who God is nor of the ways of the Lord.
Jesus seriously said that whatever we do to others - all the other people we meet on Earth, and especially the people in our own lives - we do those very same things to Jesus Himself. In other words, Jesus - along with his Father and the Holy Spirit - because they are so united together, we call them the Most Holy Trinity - because they love us without any conditions, they care for us, for each and every one of us so much, that they take personally whatever we do to one another, even to strangers.
That is why Jesus kept repeating: "Repent, and believe the good news."
What I just said about God's unconditional love is the good news. The bad news is that we are badly out of sync with God and his design for us, and we need to stop, turn around, repent, change our attitude and behaviours, and accept to live a new life in communion with God and at peace with our neighbour, and even with enemies.
What you need to hear, my daughter, is that God loves you; you are his daughter, and the dignity that He built into you from the moment of your conception is God's gift to you, the value of who you are for yourself as well as for others, and no one can take your dignity away from you.
You may at times be badly treated by others, but they only betray themselves, making visible the evil within them, or the limits of their goodness, their lack of maturity and responsibility, their lack of sensitivity and caring. Jesus proclaimed us blessed when we suffer in these ways, because we are being treated in the same way that He was treated. Even though Jesus is Love in Person; He was rejected, falsely accused, unfairly condemned, tortured, and cruelly executed. He accepted to suffer in this way because the Father sent Him into the world to demonstrate to humanity for all time what God is really like, and what authentic love looks like in a human being.
You options are, among the following, to accept what you suffer out of love for God, and offer your suffering as a pleasing sacrifice to God; as Jesus did on the Cross. No one can coerce us to do this; it is something that can only happen when we find within us the love to do it willingly and even gladly. That is why every day we need to be filled with God's love for us; filled with the Holy Spirit, because only God living within us and loving us can enable us to love with this same divine love.
Second, you can decide to withdraw from your man and, with God's help, find a better man more qualified and willing to be a true husband. God has filled you with dignity and his gifts and He wants to give you more... his truth, his goodness, and his beauty... and you don't need to feel obliged to "waste" your gifts on someone who is unwilling or unable to appreciate them or you, or who is incapable or unwilling to truly love you. Jesus warned us not to put our pearls (our dignity) before pigs, because they will turn around and maul us.
Third, you can try to have a mature and peaceful conversation with your man, expecting him to behave and chat like a responsible and mature adult. In such a conversation, there are no accusations. No one points a finger and cries out: "You...." Rather, each one calmly relates what it is like being who they are, what it is like to suffer as a result of attitudes shown, words said, actions done, and actions failed to be done. For example: "Yesterday, I heard the following words... these words stabbed me like a knife, and I cried for hours." When I honestly open my mind and heart to someone, their only options are to be silent, to believe me, or not believe me, or they can go on the defensive and try to justify themselves, or they can turn on me with an offensive barrage of accusations.... It can get ugly when one or both are not willing to be honest and humble, willing to believe and trust the other, willing to take responsibility for themselves and to acknowledge the unique life and person of the other.
No one can "put some sense into" another person's head. Each human person must accept to face life's challenges, to take responsibility for their own attitudes, thoughts, words, actions, and failures to act. This is what it means for a boy to become a man and for a girl to become a woman, for a child to become an adult. Each person must decide to stop blaming everyone else for what they suffer and for their disappointments. Life often sucks, and we all have to just get over it. We are called by God our Creator to learn that life is a gift, that other people are persons just like me, that they have dignity given them by God, that they have the right to exist, to breathe, and to live their life fully, and we need to be willing to be grateful, to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for life, for other people and what they contribute to our life, and ultimately, we are for a while on Earth to learn to be grateful to God and offer Him the worship that is due to Him.
When people enter into marriage with a 50 / 50 attitude, it is doomed to failure. God has designed us men and women to become a couple, and most of us try to do it. A few are called to live a solitary life, like priests and religious, and some professionals who dedicate their lives in service to humanity. In this enterprise of becoming a couple and entering into marriage, the man and the woman need to be mature and responsible, and they understand that the other is so precious that the other deserves that I give nothing less than 100% of everything that I am and have all of the time. Naturally, because of the original sin when human beings broke their trust in God and in each other, because of our mortal condition; we never measure up to this ideal of 100% of me and all that I am and have all of the time. That is why we need to practice showing each other kindness and understanding, mercy and forgiveness. This is especially true because we grow and develop at a different pace, in different seasons of life, and go through different stages at different times from each other.
Feel free, my daughter, to reply with further thoughts or questions.
At some point, it would make sense for these exchanges to be between the priest and the couple. If a couple are not capable or willing to open up to a priest with complete and mutual trust; then it would appear that the man and woman are not really a couple. They may be living under the same roof, they may be sharing the same bed, they may even have sexual intimacy, but it is unlikely that it is anything like what God our Creator designed us to be capable of, nor what He intended for us in order to experience life and his blessing in abundance. God's design for the intimate union of a man and a woman is that He designed us for much more than simply copulating as animals do. God designed us to be capable of a union of minds, hearts, and souls, as well as of bodies.
It makes no sense for one to treat the other like dirt all week and then suddenly expect to get intimate. The true and authentic intimacy can only be honest, pure, and true when it has something to express and celebrate... the countless acts of selfless service and authentic caring and tenderness one for the other all through the week, day and night, attentive to each other, striving to fulfill the other's needs, appreciative of the other's caring service and attention to their children. Then it becomes much more than a brief physical climax, but a profound and lingering union of souls melting into one another. Then, after that intimacy, the husband and wife lie next to each other in silence, in rapt contemplation of the profound mystery into which they have been drawn, into a truly "Holy Communion" of persons, as holy as the Holy Communion with Jesus in his Body and Blood. That wife is touched by Jesus when her husband chastely embraces her without thought of grabbing pleasure for himself but entirely preoccupied with blessing her. That husband is touched by Jesus when his wife lovingly accepts his chaste embraces and he understands that Jesus is loving him through her warm presence and affectionate attachment to him....
© 2004-2024 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal QC
© 2004-2024 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC
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