My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.
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Marriage or celibacy? What is better, healthier, more likely to lead to happiness: a life with sex or a life without sex? Does human sexuality have any bearing on loneliness, contentment, peace and serenity, and joy? Are there any other factors at work? Are there any other factors stitching all these elements together?
There are as many views as there are human beings living and breathing on the Earth at any given time, I suppose. What is most likely to bring clarity is what we know most definitively from the domain of science from publicly verified sources, whose findings have been universally corroborated and verified as true and reliable. The picture would not be complete without also taking into consideration the findings, confirmed repeatedly through various times and places, cultures and societies, by those that have been universally upheld by their contemporaries as "holy" or "wise", the "enlightened" and "saints", who had the courage and determination to pursue in practical ways and with perseverance the principles they discovered themselves and those they received from the "wise" and the "saints" who preceded them.
Form these generally accepted and trusted sources, several operating principles have, over the centuries and millennia, been clearly established as universal, verifiable, and everywhere applicable. Let us list them, in no particular order.
1. Marriage, Children, and Family
The most basic and fundamental human institution is that of marriage, that is, the lifelong union of one man with one woman, for the purpose of their mutual aid in the course of their life times, in their pursuit of procreating and raising children and the establishment and maintenance of a family, for the most part in collabortion and solidarity with other families, generally in social groupings known as clans, tribes, extended families, peoples, and nations.
2. Celibates as complements and supports to Society
In almost every time and place, in just about every society, there have always been individuals, both men and women, who for various reasons did not become a couple with a counterpart of the opposite sex and gender, but who - either by choice or necessity - lived alone, often in isolation, but generally in some form of solidarity, with the rest of their society. These celibate men and women generally lived as hermits, or else within the circle of a larger community of clan, village, tribe, or people, and who often offered some sort of service or help to their society, and which enabled them to sustain themselves.
3. The resolution of conflicts and works of peace towards the common good
Very diverse societies, cultures, times, and places all seem to afford examples of arrangements, either formal or informal, whereby the majority of the population develop into couples with families, and at the same time a small number of celibates live "on the fringe" or even in the "heart" of their society. These celibates may be among the "ruling class" or simply be considered to dwell among the "servant class" or more remotely on the "fringes" or "peripheries" of their society. Whenever such a celibate acquires truly and justly the good reputation of being "holy" or "wise", "enlightened" or "saints", people in need of their guidance or help would go out to them with various requests.
The more these requests obtained satisfactory resolutions, the more "beaten" the path to that celibate's door became. Peace and serenity, practical advice and counsel, and even healings and miraculous interventions have been widely documented as experienced and verified by people who have had recourse to such celibate men and women. Occasionally, the celibate or hermit would come into the heart of the society in the face of some grave conflict in order to bring counsel and resolution to those locked in apparently unsolvable conflict. As a reward for their labours, these advocates of peace were either thanked or persecuted and killed, depending on the quality of openness and welcome their words found in the hearts of those in conflict.
4. What about human sexuality and the sexual "appetite"?
University degrees are not needed for anyone to come to the realization that our various human appetites are never fully satisfied. We are drawn to food because our mortal body requires the regular replenishment of "fuel reserves" in order to sustain itself and function optimally according to "normal parameters", to take an expression from the Star Trek "universe". We also have normal appetites for water and other forms of drink, for water to wash and bathe for cleanliness, for clothing to protect the body from variations of cold and heat, and for shelter from the elements and protection from predators and other dangers. We have appetites for pleasant sights and sounds, for smells and touch sensations.
The human "sexual appetite" is universally recognized as one of our most powerful, if not our most powerful human appetite. Among all our appetites, some are oriented towards survival and the maintenance of our physical life and existence; while others are rather oriented towards learning, diversion, entertainment, and pleasure. We don't need music to survive, but it greatly enhances the quality of life and may even contribute to the peace and ultimately, to the survival of a people.
5. What about human sexuality and clear communication, health and mutual respect?
There exists a superabundant store of knowledge touching on human sexualty and the human "sexual appetite" to draw the certain conclusion that this unique human appetite is fraught with challenges and dangers, both for individuals and for others whose lives are "touched" be each individual man and woman. At the "dark end of the spectrum", we have come to learn about the many infections and sexually transmitted diseases that are related to the unrestricted engagement in sexual practices. As long as a human couple made up of one man and one woman remain faithful to each other and refrain from engaging in sexual activity with anyone else, they generally remain free from such threats to their health and life. Sexually transmitted infections and life threatening diseases are generally known to be the result of "serial sexual activity", or the unfettered sexual activity of people with a limited or unlimited "series of partners", of either the opposite or their own sex and gender. These are serious threats not only to individuals but also to the entire fabric of human society. For this reason, both civil and religious authorities have not only the right but the obligation to propose and impose sanctions on their constituents with rapport to any sexual activity outside the confines of each individual couple.
The dimension of clear and honest communication between men and women generally, but in particular with rapport to the human sexual appetite and legitimate sexual activity within the confines of the human couple and family, has been found to be at the heart of all sexual activity and restraint. These principles are not only relevant to health and survival, but they are most pertinent to good order, peace and serenity, and that contentment which permits happiness in this mortal and brief existence. A life without mutual respect quickly degenerates into a miserable existence when added to all the other challenges of survival and the simple maintenance of life, health, security, and peace.
At the heart of all distress related to both desired and unwanted sexual behaviour and activity is the great challenge of engaging in clear communication while simultaneously avoiding misinterpretation of one another's intentions. In particular, many women who later claim to have been violated by a man related how they were initially interested in the exchange of low intensity forms of affection, but how at some point the man's advances became too suddenly more intense or beyond the normal limits of low levels of affection. At that point they would have said "No." or would have tried to get up or withdraw themselves, or push away the advances that were no longer wanted. Sadly, the man either did not hear or perceive the change in them or the withdrawal of their consent, or else that man chose to ignore this change, deciding to pursue to the ultimate conclusion the satisfaction of his sexual appetite with callous disregard for the respect due to that woman or for the change in her intentions or consent.
6. What about the human sexual appetite makes it so beautiful or misleading and dangerous?
It is well known by all who have ever engaged in sexual activity, but also can be known by those willing to learn from their elders, that once the sexual appetite is aroused, the faculty of our human will remains free only for a brief and limited time. The further "in" one goes in the pursuit of satisfaction of this sexual appetite, the degree of freedom in our human will experiences simultaneous and opposite reduction. In other words, the more one is "sexually aroused" the less one is free to slow down or stop.
This is where the logic of the married couple becomes more and more apparent. The man and woman to become friends and, over a period of time which becomes courtship and leading to engagement, which then prepares them to enter into marriage, this couple is constituted by one man and one woman to come to know each other more and more truly and more and more intimately. They learn to verify one another's signals and intentions, learning especially from their failures if misinterpretation, and in such ways having their own impressions, interpretations, and judgements "purified" by the other through an intricate and never ending process of mutual knowledge and understanding. Such a couple become very refined in their ability to "read" one another's needs, desires, wants, intentions, hopes, and aspirations.
As some put it, each of them pass through the stages of primary school, high school, college, university, post-graduate studies, post-doctoral research, and life-long learning and expertise in the knowledge of their partner, friend, and spouse. With time, it becomes more and more unlikely that either of them would misinterpret one another's "sexual signals", which allows them to show one another more and more "mutual respect" and "mutual love and devotion". The very intense experiences of sexual arousal with the release of all the powerful related hormones all become highly disciplined by the ways in which they have come to know, love, and respect one another, and to put themselves at the service of one another for the greater good of their couple and family. In other words, the sexual appetite is more and more "tamed" and "domesticated" and made to "serve" the other and the couple, as opposed to remaining an unbridled "wild thing" interested only in the pursuit of its own selfish desires.
In any event, the sexual appetite in itself is hopelessly "handicapped" and unable ever to attain anything resembling contentment or satisfaction. No man can ever reach in himself deep and lasting satisfaction for his sexual appetite; nor can any woman by herself either. The simple reason for this is that the ultimate and lasting satisfaction of the human sexual appetite lies not in its use, but rather beyond itself; that is, in its contribution to the "higher" and "deeper" purpose of the human relationship itself. To put it simply, the sexual union of a married man and woman with each other, with each successive "union", "cements" them to each other. At the same time, all that they live together and for each other in the course of every day and night, builds up their friendship and relationship of love; so that when they do come to the preliminaries and intensity of sexual union, it is truly a celebration of all that they have become for one another and together.
Their married life becomes a beautiful and harmonious tempo and "dance" between living and celebrating, serving and embracing, giving and receiving. It is the strength of their love in mutual service and devotion that "protects" them from the potential ravages of the otherwise "unfettered" sexual appetite. Such married couples, as they become devoted parents, enter into the paradox of experiencing deeper and deeper meaning and satisfaction in the "spending" of themselves and "pouring themselves out" in loving service to each other and to their children. They find "rest" in each other's arms when they are able to be together in recognition and celebration of all that they are becoming for each other, for others, and together.
Having seen all this as it unfolds and applies to each mutually faithful, respectful, and devoted married couple of husband and wife, we can see how the same factors would be found to apply in reverse for all human beings who engage in sexual activity outside the context and protection of the married couple. Without the mutual knowledge of one single life long partner, it is impossible to ever sufficiently know others or their intentions or true desires; which exponentially increases the likelihood of misreading and misunderstanding one another's behaviours, words, facial expressions, "signals", and intentions. To this same extent then are increased the likelihood of misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and violation.
People who have no knowledge of or no interest or motivation in attenuating or controlling or restraining their sexual impulses and appetites are for these very reasons "dangerous" in their potention for not perceiving, misreading, or intentionally ignoring the intentions of their chosen sexual "partner" who is much more likely to become "prey" or "victim". This is why such people with unbridled or unfettered sexual appetites are generally categorized as "sexual predators".
7. What about human sexuality and society?
Human sexuality is rather uniquely situated in that it is oriented towards the continuation and survival of our entire human species, by the function of human reproduction, and the necessary complementary function of the raising, education, and formation of the children who - from the moment of their birth and separation from their mother - live and exist in a relatively helpless and dependent state until their maturity and independence can be established. In some societies, boys and girls are deemed fully mature and independent as soon as they can survive on their own and contribute to the sustenance of their immediate collectivity, their family or clan or village. This has been observed to happen as soon as shortly after the transformation that occurs at the time of puberty. Boys and girls as young as 12 or 13 would assume their place in their society and even be given to each other in marriage.
For any family or other social grouping or community to function optimally for the common good of the whole collectivity and the personal good of all that collectivity's individuals, all children must be taught and formed to understand and discipline their sexual appetite, and to learn how to see how it relates to the entire range of their human emotions. As well, they must learn to better know and understand themselves in all these intricate dimensions of human life, how to relate to others with respect, and how to give their assent to the "social contract" whereby they will assume their part in contributing to the common good; while also giving meaning and purpose to their own life.
8. What about the universal human experience of loneliness?
Dr. Jeannine Guindon, Ph.D, foundress of the Institut de Formation Humaine Intégrale de Montréal and of the social service field of "psycho-education", while doing all that she did to establish her method of formation in Montreal, Québec, Canada; also conducted over several decades a study of the stages of human development, otherwise called the seasons of human life. Avoiding starting out with premices or biases or scientific theories; she simply interviewed people at various ages, asking them what was happening in their life. What were their satisfactions and dissatisfactions, desires and frustrations, accomplishments and failures. What failed to satisfy and what brought meaning and purpose to their lives? Over time she found a certain confirmation of established psychological and social theories, namely, that human beings go through certain "stages in life". We pass from one stage to the next over a period of a few years, and how this varies from one person to another establishes each transition as potentially taking place within the range of a decade, that is, from the middle of one decade to the middle of the next; for example, sometime between the age of 26 and 35 we find "turning 30". Dr. Guindon touched on these seasons of life in her foundational work on the stages of re-education whereby people are helped to better understand themselves and take responsibility for their lives.
To sum up the two stages of turning 30 and 40, Dr. Guindon found that after setting out in life from 16 to 25, people almost universally experienced "increasing dissatisfaction" with what they have lived and experienced by the time they approach 30, that is, somewhere between 26 and 35, depending on whether they arrive at this "earlier" or "later". As she "distilled" people's comments, she was able to draw out a common thread, and she described this dissatisfaction as the person "experiencing a call to go deeper" into their life, or into the meaning and purpose they wish to give to their life. She gave to this particular decade and its "calling" to us as a "call to interiority". In other words, all that motivated the young adult entering into their 20's was no longer sufficient to sustain a high degree of satisfaction. Superficial or material goals were no longer enought. Their human spirit craved deeper objectives.
The person who successfully navigates this stage of "turning 30" and does attempt to "go deeper" in their quest to give meaning and purpose to their lives are able to experience a new level or degree of satisfaction in the meaning and purpose of their lives. They are now fully qualified to experience and sense a new dissatisfaction, a new calling. Having progressed and ventured into deeper realms of their human existence, these people begin to sense deep within their accomplishment a troubling unease. They begin to feel lonely beyond the normal human experience of loneliness at certain times. This new experience or sensation of loneliness comes and is felt as "embedded" within the satisfaction and the felt accomplishment in giving their chosen meaning and purpose to their lives. Their appetite for meaning and purpose, for fulfillment and happiness, remains unabated, not fully satisfied.
They remain lonely. What does this mean? What is a happily married person, in a happily married couple, to make of this loneliness within the very depth of their deep mutual love and happiness? Dr. Guindon found that this new development, this new depth of dissatisfaction represented the coming to more acute awareness of our individuality as human beings. We are each separate individual human beings, like separate "bubbles" of human existence, unable to "merge" into one another. No one can enter into me to see and feel what it is like to "be me" on the inside. Nor am I able to enter into the other to see and feel what it is like to "be them" on the inside. We are each of us alone. I am alone.
There is no final remedy for this condition, but it is not a curse. Dr. Guindon discovered that people do not experience this isolation and feeling of loneliness as a curse. On the contrary, she found that there is within this sensation of loneliness a new human "calling" and she termed it as the "call to solitude". This human call to solitude, somewhere between 36 and 45 years of age, is a blessing, or a wonderful opportunity to more fully and deeply accept and embrace the truth of what and who we are as humans.
The person who at turning 30 accepted to respond to their "call to interiority" and who now at turning 40 experiences this novel degree or depth of loneliness and accept and embrace it as a "call to solitude" find that there is unleashed within them a new "surge" of energy that is released by the new clarity with which they understand and deliberately, freely embrace their unique human life and common condition.
9. What about the celibate and the universal human experience of loneliness?
What both the married person and the celibate need to understand in order to experience greater freedom in life and better opportunity to embrace their life and condition and take effective steps to give greater and deeper meaning and purpose to their lives, is that we human beings have within us two operative "wills" or "centers of identity". To put it in the religious or theological terms employed by Saint Paul the evangelist, which he received from his Hebrew culture and Jewish religious tradition, we human beings are composed of "flesh" and "spirit". In modern terms, we are "body" and "mind" or "body" and "spirit", "body" and "soul". Our body self experiences within itself its own "logic" and orientation; while our mind, spirit, soul lives at a different "level" or "dimension" of life, and the two remain somewhat insulated or separate from one another. This insulation or separation accounts for much of the unfolding of human misery in this mortal human condition and existence.
Saint Paul, Saint Peter, and Saint James all greed to this "diagnosis" of our human condition about the "war" between these two human dimensions and "wills" within us. The celibate who ignores this opposition and takes no measures to "set up camp" in the domain of the spirit will find his life careening out of control; such that an appropriate caricature for his life might be that he is thinking, feeling, for a man, like "a big penis on wheels". The man who thinks, acts, and lives out of the "will" or "appetite" of his penis and all of his body sensations centered around his genitals will never experience any depth of satisfaction or fulfillment. He will be perennially frustrated in his desire to give higher or deeper meaning and purpose to his life. Even the married man who has equally failed to set camp in his spirit will be unable to attend rightfully or properly to his wife. Thinking only out of his own sexual appetite he will never be able to consider his wife as a separate human being with her own life, feelings, and purpose, but will be trapped and condemned to ever see her only through the think lens of his sexual appetite. He will never be able to consider her anything more than an object for his satisfaction, but that satisfaction will be forever frustrated and postponed in his inability to see her as a person.
The only way for human beings to bring order into their lives between these two "wills", between their spirit / mind / will and their flesh, is to set camp in their spirit, and from there to "regulate", subdue, "bridle", and discipline their sexual appetite, and taming it, make it serve the meaning and purpose they want to give to their life. For the married man, he must give up his human sexuality, put it at the service of his wife, and each day renew the selfless gift of himself to his wife out of selfless love for her, to serve her and respect her, to cherich her as his friend and partner and as the mother of their children.
That is the definition of chastity for the married man. For the celibate, chastity is defined and experienced as reducing to the state of "unemployment" of his genitals, but simultaneously recruiting to the service of love of neighbour all the faculties and energies of his "capacity for affection", laying aside any personal seeking for affective satisfaction. Instead, the celibate enters into a life of selfless service, in which in the very service and encounter of others, he will find affection in the very giving of human warmth, caring and service to others. He can only receive affection in the giving of it, and never in the "taking" or "grabbing" after it. By gently and kindly acknowledging the "murmuring" or "complaints" and "arousals" of his sexual apparatus - from the genitals all the way to the brain by way of his emotions - the celibate deliberately "starves of his attention" all the clamoring and noise coming from his human flesh and sexual appetite, gradually subduing all those "voices" with the mastery of a "benevolent ruler" totally devoted to ruling his "subjects" with wisdom and expertise for their good.
All of this has been expressed from a man's point of view, which I am. I gather that the basic principles also apply for women, but in light of their different but complementary nature, they would express the understanding and application of these principles in a different but complementary fashion. I look forward to reading a similar reflection from any number of my sister human beings.
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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.
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© 2004-2021 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal QC
© 2004-2021 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC
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