How can we help our parents, especially when they grow old, as they suffer - and we suffer - because of their faults?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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Dear caring daughter or son of an aging parent,

Christ is risen, alleluia!

I'm so happy to know that as you read this, it is because you care about your aging parent(s). This is good news! Even whatever trouble may be happening between you and your aging parent(s) is good news to me, and after you read all this, I think you will also see that it is good news. 

God is good... all the time... and all the time... God is good!

I hope and pray for you that otherwise all is well with you. All is well with me too despite the trials of life, and often, because of these trials... God has been giving me some amazing graces after two and a half years of doing the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola.... 

Recently, I really enjoyed spending three weeks at Madonna House Apostolate Training Center in Combermere ON, which included Holy Week and the Easter Octave. You would really love the faith community there. I forget now, are you still single or married? If married, the wife would probably enjoy the experience as well. Guests are called "working guests" because they accept donations but they charge no fee, whether people stay for a week, a month, or a year, but they do expect all lay men and women guests to participate fully in the life of the community - prayers, meals, manual labour, Holy Mass, and recreation.... Guests sleep in dormitories for women or for men. Priest guests, especially elders, are a bit more free to do manual labour or not because they know how much priests work hard and are in need of a rest.

I join you in giving thanks to God for the wonderful graces and progress with which the Lord has been blessing you in your life. How do I know this? It is unlikely that you would be reading this if it were otherwise. Even the most difficult and painful, lonely human existence has blessings, most of which we don't even realize or notice. It has taken me over forty years to realize such blessings as my heart beating and my lungs breathing, over which I have no control at all. 

How wonderful it is the way Almighty God is so patient with us, so careful not to do damage to our free will, which is why God is being so patient with your aging parent(s). It is wonderful that you are now trying to love your aging parent(s) in accord with their needs, and now the Lord will help you to love your aging parent(s) the way they need to be loved, which may not the way you have been trying to do it. Don't beat yourself up about this, though, because we all fall into this trap; trying to change our parents. It's called the "role reversal trap" when children try to behave as parents towards their own parents, especially when they become old or older. God has given us wisdom about this in the Old Testament book of Sirach chapter 3.

We are not on Earth to find happiness, because this is something that the Most Holy Trinity is preparing for us in eternity. We are on Earth to become saints, and the only way to become a saint is to walk in the steps of Jesus and accept the Holy Spirit's guidance to live as Jesus did. This of necessity includes accepting freely and gladly carrying the cross of suffering that life brings us, either in our own life, or because of our love for others. You may find this hard to believe, but Jesus really wants to help you become a saint, like all the saints now in Heaven! Jesus will do this through the ordinary events of your life.

We are all learning "the ways of the Lord" and his patience is something we generally find difficult to accept, especially when it comes to other people in our lives. We have the impression we know what they need, and we try to tell them what to do, but this generally doesn't work. If anything, the more we persist in "nagging at them", the more likely it is that they will "harden" their views and "dig in their heels". It's human nature.

This may be a new stage in your life now. Whenever we turn aside from any form of bad habit, evil behaviour, or sin, such as when we accept to live in the grace of chastity, the Holy Spirit cleanses the eyes of our mind, heart, and soul, and we begin to see more clearly and to see as God sees. We will need all eternity to approach the wisdom and love that is in the Most Holy Trinity, but rejoice and be glad that the Holy Spirit now seems to be leading you on this path. You can know this, because Jesus is sharing with you his Sacred Heart. His Sacred Heart suffers, even though his humanity is risen from the dead and now immortal in Heaven, because He FEELS our sufferings as though they are his own. This is what perfect love does.

So, Jesus is now inviting you to accept to endure the suffering you see in your aging parent(s), simply to accept to suffer what they are suffering, without trying to change them in any way.  This is how God behaves towards us, but Jesus also prays to the Father, interceding for us in eternity. Romans 8:34 Jesus ever lives to intercede for us with his Father. Hebrews 7:25

As your parents' child, you owe your aging parent(s) respect and love, according to the 4th commandment in Exodus 20:12: "Honour your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." On this depends the possibility for you to live well and long in the land. These are the ways of the Lord which He wants us to respect so that we can then receive his abundant blessings. Even if your aging parent(s) were terrible criminals, you would still owe them respect and need to honour them for having participated with God our Creator in giving you life. The more your aging parent(s) have in addition to this done good things for you, then you need all the more to honour and respect them and love them. Jesus will help you to love your aging parent(s) as Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit love you.

It is not your place in life to reform your aging parent(s). They must do that for themselves, just as you are now doing it for yourself, with the grace of God. You will have peace about your aging parent(s)'s troubles once you adopt Jesus' own attitude of trust in the Father on behalf of your earthly parents and join Jesus in interceding for them. You can do this by offering what you suffer on your aging parent(s)'s behalf at every Mass, putting your offering of yourself with your aging parent(s) on the altar with the bread and wine.

Day by day, every time you suffer something with or because of your aging parent(s), every time immediately intercede for them, talk to our Heavenly Father about it, ask Jesus to have mercy on your aging parent(s), and join Jesus in praying for your aging parent(s). You can offer the Divine Mercy Chaplet for your aging parent(s); it only takes a few minutes.

You can fast and offer penances to God on behalf of your aging parent(s), but offering your participation at Holy Mass is the most powerful thing you can do for them. Know that your personal prayers, fasts, and penances you offer for your aging parent(s) are the most powerful acts you can make on their behalf.

In time, when they are ready, your aging parent(s) will also experience the graces you now enjoy, and they too will learn to put their trust in God instead of in earthly things.

Peace to you and your family. Through the communion of saints, I am glad to join you in praying for your aging parent(s).

Remember to ask our Blessed Mother Mary, Queen of Peace, to also join you in praying for your aging parent(s). "Mother Mary, pray for us. Thank you, Mother Mary." "Saint Joseph, just man and foster father of Jesus our Saviour, pray for us."

Christ is risen, alleluia!

                                                   Pax + Caritas,       Fr. Gilles

    

                      Fr. Gilles A. Surprenant – Associate Priest of the Madonna House Apostolate

 

                         "Were not our hearts burning within us as He talked to us on the road

                                              and explained the Scriptures to us?"  Luke 24:32

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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2024 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2024 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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When we die... what happens to us then? Why do we pray for the dead?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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There is life after death... but what is it like?

As Catholic and Orthodox Christians, as well as the various "Protestant, Evangelical, Baptist, or Pentecostal" denominations; we all believe that human life continues beyond death into eternity with God or away from God. Our eternal destiny depends a great deal on our own will, on whether or not we are willing to accept God's love, and to accept his love on his terms.

It is an indication of this faith in the eternal life that God wants to give us that we pray for the dead. Why do we pray for the dead? It's just in case they might have a little bit of "unfinished business" to attend to... any hesitation to let themselves be embraced by God's brilliant and intense love... so our prayers and offerings of Holy Mass are an encouragement and spiritual help for them. If they don't need it, then of course they will simply pass it on to some other poor soul who needs it.

What prompts me to write is the awesome mystery of what happens to us when our spirit leaves behind our mortal body, much as we put aside our clothing when we prepare for sleep at night. Over the years I've been disturbed to discover that many people don't really believe that anything happens to us when we die or understand it, or if they do, they don't much know what to do about it. Equally serious is the fact that people not only consider ending their life prematurely, before their natural time to die, but in some cases actually take measures to end their life of have someone end it for them.

Canada is now almost leading the world in extending "MAiD" - medical aid in dying - to almost anyone who wants it. It began with allowing it for people just about at the end of their life anyway but who are in great pain or suffering, physically, or psychologically, or both. Gradually, the barriers have been pushed further and further back, until it is conceivable that one day anyone will be able to ask to be killed just because they are tired of living. This is pretty scary....

What is truly sad and tragic is that, in all likelihood, most of those who have asked for MAiD, or who are planning to do so, probably wouldn't do it if they knew that someone cared for them, and that their condition is not a burden others are unwilling to bear with them; in solidarity with them out of love. We all need to be reassured at times that we are loved; this is our human condition, to be uncertain. 

I suppose if I am miserable to everybody during my lifetime, there may not be anybody willing to show me that they care for me when I become terminally or seriously ill. Still, a truly loving person may still show that they care even for a miserable, grouchy, uncaring, hard-hearted person. Some people truly are that loving; their life is so full of love, that they have to pour it out on others. 

What is truly evil and may actually be criminal is the possibility that health care institutions may look upon killing people as economically advantageous... to get rid of people who are suffering and lingering in order to free up their bed and room in the hospital or other institution. 

I don't know how you were raised - with faith or not - or what kind of life you have lived, or what sort of challenges you have faced, what pain and suffering you have endured, but still, it won't hurt for me to share a few thoughts with you, and who knows, you may find them helpful.

Our mortal flesh, our human life in the body, is amazingly resilient... just think of all that we go through in life and survive; as your oved ones may have done their whole life long. Yet, when it comes right down to it, our life is also quite fragile. When enough pressure is put on our life, it simply stops.... All that we have become, on the inside, is what we call the soul or spirit. When we die... what happens to us then?

Many if not most scientists today, as brilliant as they are, deny the existence of our soul simply because they can't "observe" it, measure it, demonstrate or "prove" that it exists. They track all of our speaking, behaving, and acting to activity - the firing of neurons - in the brain. So for them, whatever doesn't track to the brain and show the firing of neurons isn't real and doesn't exist.

However, other scientists - especially neuroscientists - have begun to demonstrate that some of who we are and what we do is not at all related to activity in our brain... it remains quiet and "dark" with no synapses firing; yet a lot is going on inside us. They have observed that when we decide NOT to do something, the brain is quiet and dark. THAT decision doesn't come from our brain but from elsewhere outside our flesh. We who believe know where such decisions come from... they come from our will, our mind, our soul.

It is in our soul that God comes to dwell with us in Spirit. God our Father created our soul in the image and likeness of God... our soul is spirit as God is spirit, as the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit are spirit. They are divine spirit and we are human spirit. Our soul has an "empty place" deep within us that God designed for Him to come and dwell within us. We are most fully alive, most fully human, most fully ourselves when we welcome God within us. That is why Holy Communion is such an awesome gift, a priceless gift.

So, where is your departed loved one now, their soul, their spirit, all that they came to BE by the time they drew their last breath on this Earth? The Bible tells us that God receives our soul when it must leave the body behind. Our soul is, in a way, naked or unclothed anymore with its flesh, and in his goodness God provides a "heavenly habitation" for the soul while it must wait for the FINAL RESURRECTION when God will raise up our mortal bodies to be like his own in glory. If you are interested you will find many quotes from the Bible about this HERE.

So we have God's word on this... nothing is lost when we die... because all that we have become is precious in God's eyes and He welcomes us into his radiant presence to share eternal life with God, the Most Holy Trinity. We have trouble understanding who and what God is because God is so different.... One single Divine Being who is so full of life that there are actually Three Divine Persons living in intimate community, family, unity and communion of love - the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. The Father sent the Son and the Son accepted to go, to come down among us when Mary replied to the Archangel Gabriel: "I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to your word." Luke's Gospel chapter one verse 38. That's when the Son took on flesh and became Jesus.

We celebrate that moment every year on March 25th, the Solemnity of the Annunciation of the Lord. That's coming up again in this New Year 2024, just next March 25th. Happy Feast Day!

Allow me to close with a suggestion. All the above being true, you can continue to be "in communion" with your departed loved one in the spirit, that is, deep within yourself. We're talking about deeper than feelings, deeper than thoughts, way down deep at the centre of who you are, where God comes to be with you... it's in that place that we taste the goodness of God, that we know we are loved, that we know we are united to those we love and can never be separated from them... regardless of how we may "feel".

This "communion of saints" is too deep, too mysterious to capture or put into words, really, and our mind cannot grasp it nor control it, but we can gently allow ourselves to enter into it. It is the Holy Spirit who carries us there and who instills divine peace into us, no matter what may be going on up on the surface of our awareness... loss, grief, fear, regrets, guilt, anxiety, concern, desperation... and all sorts of "negative" thoughts and emotions... or even the positive ones... peace, love, hope, faith, consolation, joy, enthusiasm.... All of these of which we "are aware" happen, we could say, "on the surface" of our lives. God "moves" within our soul "in the depths".

We are complex beings living on many levels and dimensions all at the same time, and it's okay. We don't have to understand it all and we certainly don't need to have it all "under control". Life is an adventure to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

So, if you have recently lost a loved one who has died and left this mortal existence, my sincere sympathies on your loss, and please know that every day we pray for the departed souls and their intentions and all your intentions as well every time we approach the Altar for Holy Mass....

Peace to you all and your families, and may you have a peaceful entry into the Season of Lent in just four weeks. May the Word of God which we will hear during the next couple of weeks bring you much consolation and hope.

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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2024 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2024 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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