What is a woman to do when her man "treats her like dirt"? What does a man do when his woman "treats him like dirt"? When one "gets religion" and makes life hell for the other?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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Hello Dear Suffering Soul, 

 

I thank the suffering soul who trusted me with remarks along those lines, and for putting trust in me. I will be as candid as I can be also with you who read me here.

First of all, I have deep respect for women, because of the great dignity which God our Creator has given you, and because of your deep capacity - when this feminine human nature is embraced and accepted by each woman - to give life and nurture life in others.

I also have deep respect for men, because of the great dignity which God our Creator has given you, us because I myself am a man, and because of man's deep capacity to engage the world, struggle with it to cultivate it, and eke out an existence from it for himself and his family.

Of course, men are also capable of giving life and nurturing, but it seems evident that God has specifically designed woman with this capacity. Similarly, women are also capable of engaging the world, struggling with it and cultivating it - in fact, in many cultures women do most of the tilling of the soil - but again, it seems evident that God has specifically designed man with this capacity.

Unfortunately, that same capacity in woman to be inclusive of others and to care for them, can also become a weak point that can be exploited by people who are either unscrupulous or who simply have not sufficiently matured so as to be sensitive to the dignity of others and still too selfish to become aware of others as living persons and to respect them. It's normal for a baby at the breast to be selfish because that is the first stage of life and the other stages have not yet developed. However, it is sad, even tragic, and downright dangerous when a full grown human being is still selfish and entirely preoccupied only with their own self; oblivious to others as living persons.

Man's capacity can also become a weak point exploited by others, which we can readily observe in the "new slavery" evident all over the planet; whereby men are drawn into "voluntary slavery" by being seduced by the "carrot" promising them rewards and advancement, but with the "stick" close behind, threatening to punish them or fire them if they don't comply. The fear, even terror, engendered by this new slavery explains why men surrender to long hours away from their wife, children, and home.

From this point on, I will write only from the woman's point of view, the female soul who wrote to me. Men have only to reverse the values for the text to equally apply to them in their situations of abuse or neglect by their woman.

This seems to be what you reported to me as happening to you by what you sense is a lack of respect, of caring, of responsibility, of friendship, of cooperation, and of love - authentic caring - on the part of your male partner.

If I understand correctly, you and he lived in intimacy for most of the past several years, but then when he suddenly took more interest in religion, he laid down "the law" to you; stating that you could no longer have intimacy unless you got married in the Church.

There is a difference between religion and faith, between rituals and spirituality. People can see themselves as "religious" because they are trying to follow what they perceive as "the rules", but this can turn into rigid and uncaring behaviour. The entire focus is on the rules, following them, being seen as following them, and wanting to escape punishment for not following them.

That was precisely the attitude and behaviour of most of the religious leaders who turned on Jesus and had Him killed. Jesus was the son of Mary but also the Son of God, and He still is, now that in his human body He rose from the dead, left the tomb, walked about meeting his disciples for 40 days, and then ascended to the Father's right hand in Heaven. People who rigidly try to follow religious rules do that because they have not yet actually met the living God in Person. God isn't real to them yet, not in a personal way, but only as a "big threatening figure in the sky" whom they believe to be ready to punish them as soon as they step out of line, or else be ready to throw them down into hell for all eternity at their moment of death. In effect, they understand nothing of who God is nor of the ways of the Lord.

Jesus seriously said that whatever we do to others - all the other people we meet on Earth, and especially the people in our own lives - we do those very same things to Jesus Himself. In other words, Jesus - along with his Father and the Holy Spirit - because they are so united together, we call them the Most Holy Trinity - because they love us without any conditions, they care for us, for each and every one of us so much, that they take personally whatever we do to one another, even to strangers.

That is why Jesus kept repeating: "Repent, and believe the good news."

What I just said about God's unconditional love is the good news. The bad news is that we are badly out of sync with God and his design for us, and we need to stop, turn around, repent, change our attitude and behaviours, and accept to live a new life in communion with God and at peace with our neighbour, and even with enemies.

What you need to hear, my daughter, is that God loves you; you are his daughter, and the dignity that He built into you from the moment of your conception is God's gift to you, the value of who you are for yourself as well as for others, and no one can take your dignity away from you.

You may at times be badly treated by others, but they only betray themselves, making visible the evil within them, or the limits of their goodness, their lack of maturity and responsibility, their lack of sensitivity and caring. Jesus proclaimed us blessed when we suffer in these ways, because we are being treated in the same way that He was treated. Even though Jesus is Love in Person; He was rejected, falsely accused, unfairly condemned, tortured, and cruelly executed. He accepted to suffer in this way because the Father sent Him into the world to demonstrate to humanity for all time what God is really like, and what authentic love looks like in a human being.

You options are, among the following, to accept what you suffer out of love for God, and offer your suffering as a pleasing sacrifice to God; as Jesus did on the Cross. No one can coerce us to do this; it is something that can only happen when we find within us the love to do it willingly and even gladly. That is why every day we need to be filled with God's love for us; filled with the Holy Spirit, because only God living within us and loving us can enable us to love with this same divine love.

Second, you can decide to withdraw from your man and, with God's help, find a better man more qualified and willing to be a true husband. God has filled you with dignity and his gifts and He wants to give you more... his truth, his goodness, and his beauty... and you don't need to feel obliged to "waste" your gifts on someone who is unwilling or unable to appreciate them or you, or who is incapable or unwilling to truly love you. Jesus warned us not to put our pearls (our dignity) before pigs, because they will turn around and maul us.

Third, you can try to have a mature and peaceful conversation with your man, expecting him to behave and chat like a responsible and mature adult. In such a conversation, there are no accusations. No one points a finger and cries out: "You...." Rather, each one calmly relates what it is like being who they are, what it is like to suffer as a result of attitudes shown, words said, actions done, and actions failed to be done. For example: "Yesterday, I heard the following words... these words stabbed me like a knife, and I cried for hours." When I honestly open my mind and heart to someone, their only options are to be silent, to believe me, or not believe me, or they can go on the defensive and try to justify themselves, or they can turn on me with an offensive barrage of accusations.... It can get ugly when one or both are not willing to be honest and humble, willing to believe and trust the other, willing to take responsibility for themselves and to acknowledge the unique life and person of the other.

No one can "put some sense into" another person's head. Each human person must accept to face life's challenges, to take responsibility for their own attitudes, thoughts, words, actions, and failures to act. This is what it means for a boy to become a man and for a girl to become a woman, for a child to become an adult. Each person must decide to stop blaming everyone else for what they suffer and for their disappointments. Life often sucks, and we all have to just get over it. We are called by God our Creator to learn that life is a gift, that other people are persons just like me, that they have dignity given them by God, that they have the right to exist, to breathe, and to live their life fully, and we need to be willing to be grateful, to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for life, for other people and what they contribute to our life, and ultimately, we are for a while on Earth to learn to be grateful to God and offer Him the worship that is due to Him.

When people enter into marriage with a 50 / 50 attitude, it is doomed to failure. God has designed us men and women to become a couple, and most of us try to do it. A few are called to live a solitary life, like priests and religious, and some professionals who dedicate their lives in service to humanity. In this enterprise of becoming a couple and entering into marriage, the man and the woman need to be mature and responsible, and they understand that the other is so precious that the other deserves that I give nothing less than 100% of everything that I am and have all of the time. Naturally, because of the original sin when human beings broke their trust in God and in each other, because of our mortal condition; we never measure up to this ideal of 100% of me and all that I am and have all of the time. That is why we need to practice showing each other kindness and understanding, mercy and forgiveness. This is especially true because we grow and develop at a different pace, in different seasons of life, and go through different stages at different times from each other.

Feel free, my daughter, to reply with further thoughts or questions.

At some point, it would make sense for these exchanges to be between the priest and the couple. If a couple are not capable or willing to open up to a priest with complete and mutual trust; then it would appear that the man and woman are not really a couple. They may be living under the same roof, they may be sharing the same bed, they may even have sexual intimacy, but it is unlikely that it is anything like what God our Creator designed us to be capable of, nor what He intended for us in order to experience life and his blessing in abundance. God's design for the intimate union of a man and a woman is that He designed us for much more than simply copulating as animals do. God designed us to be capable of a union of minds, hearts, and souls, as well as of bodies.

It makes no sense for one to treat the other like dirt all week and then suddenly expect to get intimate. The true and authentic intimacy can only be honest, pure, and true when it has something to express and celebrate... the countless acts of selfless service and authentic caring and tenderness one for the other all through the week, day and night, attentive to each other, striving to fulfill the other's needs, appreciative of the other's caring service and attention to their children. Then it becomes much more than a brief physical climax, but a profound and lingering union of souls melting into one another. Then, after that intimacy, the husband and wife lie next to each other in silence, in rapt contemplation of the profound mystery into which they have been drawn, into a truly "Holy Communion" of persons, as holy as the Holy Communion with Jesus in his Body and Blood. That wife is touched by Jesus when her husband chastely embraces her without thought of grabbing pleasure for himself but entirely preoccupied with blessing her. That husband is touched by Jesus when his wife lovingly accepts his chaste embraces and he understands that Jesus is loving him through her warm presence and affectionate attachment to him....

                                                   Pax + Caritas,       Fr. Gilles

See below my previous post: How can we help our parents, especially when they grow old, as they suffer - and we suffer - because of their faults?

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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2024 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2024 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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Fathers - You are vital; Males - Be Men before God!

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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What is a man? Are all male human beings men, regardless of their character or behavior? Is a male who engenders children automatically a father? In common usage, males of a certain age - which varies according to particular societies and cultures - are henceforth called men. However, whether they truly are men or still only "boys" or "adolescents" or simply immature; this depends on their character and behavior.

In truth, it is common knowledge and our shared experience in human society that not all males automatically become men simply because they reach a certain age. By definition a male human being becomes a man when he accepts to become someone by being willing to endure trials and thereby develop his character, inner strength, and virtue; so as to acquire the ability to behave freely,  reliably, and with ease according to high moral standards. The stereotypical expression "preserve and protect" is not far from what a healthy and thriving society expects of its men.

The Jewish and Christian inspired Sacred Scriptures indicate abundantly that God behaves toward human beings as a good father who disciplines his children in order to give them character and to develop them into persons capable of love and responsibility.

    "Know then in your heart that as a parent disciplines a child so the Lord your God disciplines you. Therefore keep the commandments of the Lord your God, by walking in his ways and by fearing him." Deut 8:5-6

"My child, do not despise the Lord’s discipline

or be weary of his reproof,

for the Lord reproves the one he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights." Prov 3:11-12

"My child, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
or lose heart when you are punished by him;
for the Lord disciplines those whom he loves,
and chastises every child whom he accepts." Heb 12:5-6

"I reprove and discipline those whom I love. Be earnest, therefore, and repent." Rev 3:19

It is horrendous to observe in every time and place how girls, young women, and mature women are abused by men - those closest to them and from whom they have right to expect respect, love, and protection - but also from men who may claim to love them but only want to use them for their own selfish pleasure or satisfaction of their sexual impulses and instincts.

Girls in who employ a cell phone are more and more likely to be harassed by young males to send back nude photos of themselves - called "sexting" - an abhorrent and degrading practice. Studies such as this one indicate that some girls are ill equipped to resist such demands by males of their age or pressure from girls their age to consent to such requests from boys.

Other sources, as well as our own experience of family life, would indicate that the primary way for girls to become "equipped" to resist such abusive and disrespectful requests is for them to enjoy a very strong and loving relationship with their own father. We already know that children internalize what they observe in their parents. When something bad happens to their parents, children may well feel somehow responsible, that this happened because they were bad. Good and responsible parents who take good care of themselves as well as their children protect their children from such drawing such erroneous and possibly harmful conclusions.

Both girls and boys need their father to be strong, present, reliable, loving, and gentle in disciplining them. Being able to respect and love their father makes it easier for children to turn to him when in doubt or troubled. Knowing that their father enjoys listening to them, won't scold them if he disagrees with them, but will offer practical and wise counsel - all these positive traits protect children from feeling isolated and trapped in confusing situations.

A good mother will show her daughter a woman's way to follow in her life, but it is important that her father confirm that this is indeed a good way by respecting and loving her mother. A good father who loves his daughter and cultivates a rich relationship with her from early childhood teaches her that she has value and that she can count on him. The more she enjoys a good rapport with her father, the less urgently is she likely to feel a need to acquire other relationships with males - either substitute fathers or boyfriends. A good father will encourage her to enter into other relationships, but out of desire for friendship rather than out of a visceral need for affection or affirmation.

Girls who feel obliged to "sext" appear to have no adult figure - either mother or father - to whom they can turn in their doubt and from whom they might obtain the counsel they need in order to stand up for themselves and to protect their own sense of dignity as persons and as girls or young women.

Girls as well as women need to know that their body is good and beautiful, as designed by God their Creator, but that since the original sin, the sight of their nakedness is likely to stir up selfish instincts in males, and most especially in immature young males. Similarly, the sight of male nakedness is just as likely to stir up selfish instincts in females. A boy needs a girl to resist his selfish impulses for his good as much as she needs to resist him for her own good. Inasmuch as a girl might also experience selfish impulses; then a boy also needs to resist her, and for that he also needs a strong and loving father to teach, mentor, and accompany him on his journey to manhood.

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My purpose in these posts is to help spread the contributions of a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2021 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2021 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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Why are apparently good men leaving their wives and children - when it's not women leaving their husbands and children?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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What follows has been prompted by yet one more wonderful lady and her children being dropped by her apparently good husband and father, but the truth wasn't fully known until he revealed himself to the light of day and what was hidden in him finally came out, but it is sadly also applicable to some wonderful men who have been abandoned with their children by their apparently good wife and their mother. So what gives? 

What a joy it is for me as a pastor to occasionally hear from someone I once served and who moved away as they just decide to contact me or as I send - which I don't like to and rarely do - one of those email warnings about something or other. What a shock it is for me to hear yet one more time that she has been abandoned by her man. Every time it happens everything in me wants to scream. "Do you realize what you're doing to them and to yourself? Don't you know that you are bailing out at the very moment and threshold of dramatic growth for you as a person, if only you face what it is that's going on and go through it, but no, you turn back and leave. What a waste. 

The loss is almost entirely yours, because the one who gets left behind will almost certainly grow, even if at first it's only for the sake of the children." I really don't get what's happening to men in our society and culture... It's like they're not growing up.... What I really find strange is that all too often, at least where I have been, the woman is very beautiful, talented, smart, skillful, and just plain good and kind and generous, and the list goes on. It seems that no family is spared and everyone knows someone who is going through this, someone close, and I am no exception. 

What's interesting is that some of them have been telling me that they've discovered - the Lord is giving them - a new freedom and realization of how much they had been carrying their man, who really in varying degrees hadn't been fully a husband nor a father in too many ways to tell; nor for that matter, fully a man either. It would be harder to the extent that he seemed in any way a good husband and/or father.... or if the shoe is on the other foot and the one who left seemed to be a good wife and mother. 

Then the trap is to begin wondering what you did wrong, what was the cause that forced your spouse to leave you, but it's only a trap. The cause is not in yourself but in him or her who left you and your children. Of course, you're not perfect, who is? The point is that life is like that, and we are here on Earth precisely to experience the "sandpaper effect" of rubbing up against each other in irritating ways, so that our rougher edges may be smoothed and we might actually become more beautiful, kind, understanding, loving, ready to defend the good and the truth, and be generous. The point of life is to become more deliberate and intentional in giving meaning and purpose to our lives by loving others.

Then there's the other trap at the other end, where the one who left was such a dead weight that you now may feel guilty about feeling so relieved of the burden of his dead weight that you actually feel glad, joyful, elated.... Don't feel guilty... that's just another trap. The fact is that a woman gladly carries the weight of her man during his struggles and uncertainties, and her constant love and support supplies him with time and an environment that actually incubates him and allows him to grow and put in his efforts and make of himself a better man. 

Our Father Creator designed woman with the capacity to do that and to do it gladly; that's how she nurtures life, and it is one of her greatest sources of satisfaction. The Creator designed man to awaken to her goodness and to gladly, freely, and generously cherish her. Then the circle is complete and her love and efforts come back to her. 

Conversely, the Creator made man to notice woman, to value her and take her under his wing. He leads her from her parents' home to a home of her own, even in cases where she is so talented and able that she actually leads in many of the decisions they make. We're not talking about who wears the pants here, but rather about the topography of the human soul. Woman has been designed by the Creator to desire and expect to have her own value noticed, wanted, appreciated, and affirmed in the eyes of another who looks upon her with love. She has been designed to be cherished. 

So when a man does that and after a shorter or longer time she leaves him and even her own children behind, he can fall into the same trap of wondering what he did wrong, but it's just a trap. It's not about him or the children, who also wonder what they did to cause Mommy not to love them anymore and leave, but it's mostly about her and the decisions she has made. This man needs to remember that he is good and lovely and precious in the eyes of his true Father in Heaven, and that he has not lost his ability to love and be loved. At first he must carry on for the sake of the children, but in time, he will discover that he did not squander his love on her who left him, but rather that he has grown through it all and has become a better man. 

You know, I've had lots of time to think about such hurts that really should never happen, wondering what is happening to the countless millions of people suffering such injustices and neglect and worse.... and where is our loving Father in all of that... I remember that He only ever has one answer to all our situations and questions: his own Beloved Son, the Word, whom He sent and who accepted to be sent to come among us, and whom we celebrate with such joy - and good reason - every Christmas... Jesus, the Beloved of our soul and the True Bridegroom of his Bride, the Church, us. 

He will ever remain faithful to us, having already poured out his life for us and for all of humanity who simply accept to receive the gift of his life by accepting to be called by it to move up a little higher and become a little better..... Woman, or man, you who have been abandoned by one not willing to rise to the dizzying heights of true and profound love, love that is faithful and true and learns to leave self behind, this is an opportunity for you to rediscover in a deeper way the simple goodness of you, of your life, which is a precious gift from God to you. 

You are ever so precious a daughter or son in the Father's eyes, and He has so much trust in you to know that and to breathe deep and drink deeply from the springs of Living Water He has given to erupt in you - the Holy Spirit - from the moment of your Baptism and strengthened at your Confirmation and fanned into flame with every incident on the road of life as you allow it to prompt you to open wider with ever deeper trust the windows and doors of your soul.... 

Please give my regards to your children... Tell them that they are very special... They have a very good Mom or Dad who has chosen freely to remain faithful and true to them and won't leave them ever - until their body gives out and their soul moves on to be with God - and what has happened is not their fault, nor is it the fault of their Mom or Dad who has remained behind. It's mostly about their Dad or Mom who left and the choices they are making. It's also because of our culture and times.... 

It isn't a good time for good, strong, just men to sprout up from the Earth... It's also becoming a very bad time for good, strong, nurturing women to sprout up from the Earth.... There was a time when many men tended to get caught up in macho activities to prove themselves and left the women to do the important and foundational work of rearing children and forging character in their children, and so women grew and became powerful and wise. Those times are quickly fading. 

Too successful is the great lie being propagated by interests that want to manipulate and control destinies and/or want to hinder or even abolish the great and wonderful design of the Creator for our happiness. So more and more girls and women are trying to define themselves by being better men than males, proving they can do anything men can do or even better, proving to themselves they can enjoy the same sexual irresponsibility that for so long has been the "reserve" of men who don't have to carry newly created human beings in pregnancy and don't see how they destroy themselves and others. 

The tragedy is that by the time woman discovers what God already knew and intended, that she can do what man does at least as well and often better, it may be too late for her to realize that wasn't the point. God designed men to compete against themselves, to become ever better verions of their own self, not to become better than others, but mostly, the Creator designed men to develop a life, a self, so that then they might freely and gladly lay that self aside in order to apply all their energy and devotion to cherish the woman who has accepted to share and enhance their existence. 

God designed women to be content to observe the man competing against himself and by her freely and gladly given companionship be as a catalyst that enhances his ability to more quickly develop a life which he can then gladly and freely devote to her and cherish first her and then also their children. He designed her to find her inner satisfaction rather in fully developing her own potentialities for giving and nurturing life all around her, like a fruitful vine, but if she allows the great lie to distract her gaze from her own inner goodness and accepts to look outside herself for a measure of her own worth; then she will reject her own fertility and fruitfulness and become an arid and sterile wasteland that in the end remains alone and empty. 

The tragedy of our times is that our culture has developed especially in the past fifty years around the momentum of reacting against elders and former ways of living in an insatiable search for novelty and the futile attempt to satisfy the appetites of the flesh. These appetites have been incorporated into our nature to help us survive and to add color to life, but they have no lasting substance. Our true human substance is something that grows root, stem, leaf, and fruit from within our spirit and has to do with our design to give and nurture life, one way or another, in our own children or in other ways of adding life to others by our presence and services. 

This new orientation is actually not new at all. It was introduced at the very dawn of humanity and we have an account of it in Genesis in the drama staged with a first primordial couple, Adam (man) and Eve (wo-man = from man). The great lie is to believe we can do better than follow the design inscribed within our very nature, but the proof is in the origin of the message we choose to believe. Our Creator loves us and designed us to be happy in a lasting and even eternal way, whereas the stranger who wants our attention and discredits our design wants nothing else than our total and utter destruction. 

The choice of orientation is ours. Will we have the wisdom to recognize the innate genius, beauty, and wonder of our own inner design, or will we prefer the attractive but artificial, sterile, and empty appearance? That is the test of our humanity. Too many of us are not passing the test... We are being sifted like wheat by the events of an ever more frantic culture, abundance, and prosperity.... to discover what is really inside of us. No one can escape being tested. 

It's only when we discover what is inside of us that we know the truth, and knowing the truth about ourselves, we can act accordingly. Jesus' response to our situations was: "Repent and believe the Good News!" What good news? That He has come no to leave us orphans but to restore us to our true Father. 

God bless you dear sister, dear brother, who have been abandoned but are not orphans, because you still have your true Father above, and the One who came among us to at last make Him known and loved. May this loving and Blessed Trinity of divine persons continue to pour out the Holy Spirit and have mercy on all the delinquent and lost spouses and parents who have left their treasures behind, blinded to their value and enamoured of the lie that they must cultivate their own life alone or with someone else; for sooner or later they will have to face the truth they are trying to escape. That day of awakening will be terrible if their back is still turned to God the Creator of us all. 

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My purpose in these posts is to help spread the contributions of a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2021 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2021 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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