How can we help our parents, especially when they grow old, as they suffer - and we suffer - because of their faults?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear caring daughter or son of an aging parent,

Christ is risen, alleluia!

I'm so happy to know that as you read this, it is because you care about your aging parent(s). This is good news! Even whatever trouble may be happening between you and your aging parent(s) is good news to me, and after you read all this, I think you will also see that it is good news. 

God is good... all the time... and all the time... God is good!

I hope and pray for you that otherwise all is well with you. All is well with me too despite the trials of life, and often, because of these trials... God has been giving me some amazing graces after two and a half years of doing the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola.... 

Recently, I really enjoyed spending three weeks at Madonna House Apostolate Training Center in Combermere ON, which included Holy Week and the Easter Octave. You would really love the faith community there. I forget now, are you still single or married? If married, the wife would probably enjoy the experience as well. Guests are called "working guests" because they accept donations but they charge no fee, whether people stay for a week, a month, or a year, but they do expect all lay men and women guests to participate fully in the life of the community - prayers, meals, manual labour, Holy Mass, and recreation.... Guests sleep in dormitories for women or for men. Priest guests, especially elders, are a bit more free to do manual labour or not because they know how much priests work hard and are in need of a rest.

I join you in giving thanks to God for the wonderful graces and progress with which the Lord has been blessing you in your life. How do I know this? It is unlikely that you would be reading this if it were otherwise. Even the most difficult and painful, lonely human existence has blessings, most of which we don't even realize or notice. It has taken me over forty years to realize such blessings as my heart beating and my lungs breathing, over which I have no control at all. 

How wonderful it is the way Almighty God is so patient with us, so careful not to do damage to our free will, which is why God is being so patient with your aging parent(s). It is wonderful that you are now trying to love your aging parent(s) in accord with their needs, and now the Lord will help you to love your aging parent(s) the way they need to be loved, which may not the way you have been trying to do it. Don't beat yourself up about this, though, because we all fall into this trap; trying to change our parents. It's called the "role reversal trap" when children try to behave as parents towards their own parents, especially when they become old or older. God has given us wisdom about this in the Old Testament book of Sirach chapter 3.

We are not on Earth to find happiness, because this is something that the Most Holy Trinity is preparing for us in eternity. We are on Earth to become saints, and the only way to become a saint is to walk in the steps of Jesus and accept the Holy Spirit's guidance to live as Jesus did. This of necessity includes accepting freely and gladly carrying the cross of suffering that life brings us, either in our own life, or because of our love for others. You may find this hard to believe, but Jesus really wants to help you become a saint, like all the saints now in Heaven! Jesus will do this through the ordinary events of your life.

We are all learning "the ways of the Lord" and his patience is something we generally find difficult to accept, especially when it comes to other people in our lives. We have the impression we know what they need, and we try to tell them what to do, but this generally doesn't work. If anything, the more we persist in "nagging at them", the more likely it is that they will "harden" their views and "dig in their heels". It's human nature.

This may be a new stage in your life now. Whenever we turn aside from any form of bad habit, evil behaviour, or sin, such as when we accept to live in the grace of chastity, the Holy Spirit cleanses the eyes of our mind, heart, and soul, and we begin to see more clearly and to see as God sees. We will need all eternity to approach the wisdom and love that is in the Most Holy Trinity, but rejoice and be glad that the Holy Spirit now seems to be leading you on this path. You can know this, because Jesus is sharing with you his Sacred Heart. His Sacred Heart suffers, even though his humanity is risen from the dead and now immortal in Heaven, because He FEELS our sufferings as though they are his own. This is what perfect love does.

So, Jesus is now inviting you to accept to endure the suffering you see in your aging parent(s), simply to accept to suffer what they are suffering, without trying to change them in any way.  This is how God behaves towards us, but Jesus also prays to the Father, interceding for us in eternity. Romans 8:34 Jesus ever lives to intercede for us with his Father. Hebrews 7:25

As your parents' child, you owe your aging parent(s) respect and love, according to the 4th commandment in Exodus 20:12: "Honour your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." On this depends the possibility for you to live well and long in the land. These are the ways of the Lord which He wants us to respect so that we can then receive his abundant blessings. Even if your aging parent(s) were terrible criminals, you would still owe them respect and need to honour them for having participated with God our Creator in giving you life. The more your aging parent(s) have in addition to this done good things for you, then you need all the more to honour and respect them and love them. Jesus will help you to love your aging parent(s) as Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit love you.

It is not your place in life to reform your aging parent(s). They must do that for themselves, just as you are now doing it for yourself, with the grace of God. You will have peace about your aging parent(s)'s troubles once you adopt Jesus' own attitude of trust in the Father on behalf of your earthly parents and join Jesus in interceding for them. You can do this by offering what you suffer on your aging parent(s)'s behalf at every Mass, putting your offering of yourself with your aging parent(s) on the altar with the bread and wine.

Day by day, every time you suffer something with or because of your aging parent(s), every time immediately intercede for them, talk to our Heavenly Father about it, ask Jesus to have mercy on your aging parent(s), and join Jesus in praying for your aging parent(s). You can offer the Divine Mercy Chaplet for your aging parent(s); it only takes a few minutes.

You can fast and offer penances to God on behalf of your aging parent(s), but offering your participation at Holy Mass is the most powerful thing you can do for them. Know that your personal prayers, fasts, and penances you offer for your aging parent(s) are the most powerful acts you can make on their behalf.

In time, when they are ready, your aging parent(s) will also experience the graces you now enjoy, and they too will learn to put their trust in God instead of in earthly things.

Peace to you and your family. Through the communion of saints, I am glad to join you in praying for your aging parent(s).

Remember to ask our Blessed Mother Mary, Queen of Peace, to also join you in praying for your aging parent(s). "Mother Mary, pray for us. Thank you, Mother Mary." "Saint Joseph, just man and foster father of Jesus our Saviour, pray for us."

Christ is risen, alleluia!

                                                   Pax + Caritas,       Fr. Gilles

    

                      Fr. Gilles A. Surprenant – Associate Priest of the Madonna House Apostolate

 

                         "Were not our hearts burning within us as He talked to us on the road

                                              and explained the Scriptures to us?"  Luke 24:32

----------------------------------------------------------------

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

----------------------------------------------------------------

© 2004-2024 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2024 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

+ + + + + + + + + + + +  

Everywhere we turn, we see the human condition in all of its poverty, struggle, anguish, and dissatisfaction; with life and love just out of reach....

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

----------------------------------------------------------------

What the heck is going on, anyway?

Everywhere we look in our world, in our life - in the dynamics among nations, in the political arena, in the drama lived out in marriages and families, in churches and faith communities, in our own lives - everywhere human beings are to be found; we see situations and experiences that describe endless permutations of the human condition after the original sin. In Genesis chapter 3 is related the temptation and the fall of Eve and Adam. There we find related that moment when God described to the man and the woman the results, the consequences of their sin, their rebellion, their decision to stop trusting in God. When you hammer a nail, it goes into the wood. When you pour water on a thing, it becomes wet. When you drop a crystal glass on a marble floor, it shatters into pieces. The human condition is very much like what we all experience of trouble and dissatisfaction. Here is what Genesis 3 relates.

The man would lose the life of ease he had until then known in the garden provided by God his Creator. From now on, in order to live, he would have to obtain his food by the sweat of his brow. He would have to make constant efforts to cultivate the earth, but it would resist him and produce thorns and thistles instead of the good fruits of the earth. In contemporary terms, man tries to do his work, but the work constantly resists him and demands more of him, depleting him until there is nothing left of him; no energy, no time, no life, no spouse, no family, nothing... but only death. It is a slavery that, unlike the chains of the past, is cleverly devised to get the man to voluntarily go into slavery by his own choice. This is the contemporary situation in most of the Earth, where there is no longer the slavery in chains, which still exists in other parts of the world.

The woman, perhaps because her entire design centres around her capacity to conceive and nurture life, she is closer to her body than is the man. Also, she is more acutely sensitive to all that pertains to relations with others; also a feature of her capacity to give and nurture life. She is more aware of and more sensitive to her own self as well as to others in what and how they are. Now, Eve also decided to stop trusting in God; so, for her the consequences were inevitably going to be that her natural desire for her husband would become exaggerated, causing her to "cling" to him. However, he would perceive this and react, in a kind of survival reflex, by dominating her, to protect himself from this clinging, or "nagging". In addition, her distrust in God would also alienate her from her own self, her own body; such that her labour pains would become intensified.

We human beings have a specific design with "room for God" inside

Our human condition now, due to the original sin which becomes actualized in us the moment we are conceived in our mother's womb, is basically alienation from God and insecurity. Human knowledge and efforts can never resolve completely or perfectly this human condition. The man is never satisfied with his work, with the world as he finds it, and the woman is never satisfied with her husband and her life as she finds it. It is a vicious circle out of which there is no escape, but only one solution. That solution is to restore the lost trust in God, our Creator. This is why Jesus Christ called people to follow Him and learn from Him certain disciplines enabling them to accept to live differently, to live the new life He offers those who accept Him and believe in Him. 

These Christian disciplines are merely the ways we need in order to take back into our own hands responsibility for our own life, for cultivating our own life, and for reconnecting ourselves with trust in God our Creator; who is ever present, ever offering to pour into us the "divine vitality" which is designed and intended to be the "breath" and "blood" of our life.

Yes, we need to be loved, but first and foremost, by God our Creator, and at every moment of the day and of the night; constantly. To turn aside and expect to be loved by anyone else can only end in failure, because all human beings are contingent, imperfect, and incapable of fulfilling our infinite capacity and need for life and love. Disconnected from God, we are like a beautiful chandelier without electricity. Only God, the Most Holy Trinity, is worthy of our trust, because God is our origin and our eternal destiny. We have been designed to receive into ourselves the indwelling Presence of the Most Holy Trinity, without whom we remain empty and cold.

Who or what is God?

God is already complete and has always been complete and sufficient from all eternity. There was never any need for growth or testing in God. Jesus of Nazareth, a Jew of Galilee in Palestine two millennia ago, revealed that God is a trinity, a community and communion of divine Persons. From all eternity the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have been a completely fulfilled and vital community of love. They are love; they don't have or give love, they ARE LOVE. We, on the other hand, are contingent beings. We begin as nothing and slowly grow and develop. We need to be constantly tested in order for the tests to shake us from the impulse to relax our efforts and try to be "just carried" by someone else, like the baby we once were.

Living a human life is work, requires deliverate effort freely made

Only by our constant efforts to live, to strive, to create, to give, and to love are we able to take responsibility for our life and live it more fully. The only effective "fuel" for these constant efforts to live and love is the divine life and vitality of love which is God. God is our fuel, our food, our life, our love. No one else. To expect any other human being to love us, give us life, fulfill us, make us happy, is both unfair and impossible. No one can possibly ever meet our unlimited need and infinite capacity for life and love; no one except God. To expect this of any human being is to do them violence.

Eve is no more to blame than Adam

Why did the tempter approach Eve and not Adam? We think it was because Adam heard directly from God not to touch the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" or he would die. Eve had not yet been created. Adam later told Eve about this, but she did not hear it from God himself. The tempter considered her position a little weaker because of this; so, he probed that weakness.

Why did the woman and the man both find it attractive to seek out the "knowledge of both good and evil"? It can only be because they thought they were missing something, that they thought they were not entirely lovable in God's eyes; that they needed to do something to become more lovable, more acceptable to God. It was and still is a lie. God already loves us perfectly because God can only love perfectly; the Holy Trinity, the 3 divine Persons ARE love. The ocean doesn't have wet, it is wet. (From the film "Nikki and the Perfect Stranger". I will send you links to these wonderful films which explore what it would be like to have a visit here and now with Jesus.) God doesn't have love, God is love.

To focus on myself or on others? That is the question. 

When I focus on myself, how I feel, what I have and don't have; I remain isolated within myself. When I turn my focus away from myself to the other, I can see who and what the other is, what he is trying to do, what are her fears, hopes, struggles, aspirations, weaknesses, and strengths. If I study the other, I can discover in what ways the other needs to be loved; then, I can apply myself to love him or her in this way, putting myself at the service of the other out of love, pouring my vitality out in a flow of love. 

Love cannot be kept; it can only be given

Love's satisfaction is in the very act of love, of giving itself, of pouring itself out. Trying to get love, to have love, to hold onto love is like trying to hold water with a sieve. It's impossible. The only way to be full of love and never run out of love is to love, to give love away. That is impossible unless I am constantly connected to the River of Love, which is God.

You already know that as a mother or father, knowing how obviously dependent and helpless your child is from the moment of conception and birth. That poverty pulls love and caring out of you, and you find great satisfaction and pleasure loving your child; even to the point of exhaustion. Slowly, the child is developing a capacity to emerge as an individual, independent, and enterprising. This process will take at least 18 years or more before their autonomy is sufficient for them to go out on their own. The challenge then is to trust them and let them go as the new way to love them.

The human person is constantly changing; relationships never quite "catch up"

Along the way your manner of relating them is constantly changing, because they are constantly changing, and you never seem to quite catch up to the "new them", because the one you think they are today is actually the one you thought they were yesterday or last week or last month or last year. Today, they are quite different yet again... fetus, baby, toddler, little child, child, older child, pre-teen, pubescent child, young teen, older teen, transitional adult, young adult, adult, midlife adult, etc....

If you are a parent with young children, it would not be surprising that at the end of a day of pouring yourself out to your little children, that you would feel a need for someone else to take care of you. As a priest, I get to feel like that too. That's why I can say this, which may be difficult for you to hear or read, dear reader, but this is a "child's reflex", not a position of adult autonomy; it is a "passive reflex", not an "active reflex".

It is always "up to me" to decide to "care for myself"

Look at it this way. My life - body, mind, heart / psyche, and spirit / soul - is like the baby I once was. Then, it was Maman who took me up and cared for me in all my needs, more or less perfectly. Providing the care was sufficient, I would smile back at her, and she was content. (This relationship of care provider to infant is also the "theoretical model" adopted by Psychotherapist Dr. Jeannine Guindon, Ph.D., foundress of the Institut de Formation Humaine Intégrale in Montreal QC Canada. She founded a new helping profession called "psycho-education" or "psycho-educator".)

But now, I am no longer that baby, but my organism, my life, is as it were like that baby, because someone needs to take care of it. That someone is me. Once I became independent of Maman and Papa, it fell to me to care for myself in at least as good a manner as the care I had received from them. My "life" will only look back at me and smile when my care for my life is sufficient for it to be content. No one else can provide that for me; it is up to me to provide that for myself, somehow.

Self care is most effective and satisfying when it does not deprive anyone else

I need to care for my life on my own time, and in a way that does not put a burden on anyone else. Mostly, I need to care for myself between my two ears, in the way I choose to think about all these things and about my life and caring for my life. Even in the very midst of caring for another, a child or children for instance, within myself I can maintain a "sanctuary" of space in which I am selecting my attitudes and interior dispositions in such a way as to be "kind to myself" without depriving others of any good thing.

I am not a victim of my attitudes, but rather a "surfer of life"

The biggest most dramatic difference I can make for myself is, for example, when I notice anxiety rising within me, to acknowledge it, recognize it, understand where it's coming from, know that I can handle it, and put it aside; replacing it with deliberately connecting with God... welcoming God's love and vitality like exposing myself to the warmth and light of the sun.... This is only one example, but there are countless ways in which I can manage my life better by noticing, acknowledging, resolving now or putting aside to resolve later, and turning to God to be replenished here and now.

To employ a different analogy, it is true to say that I am not a "victim" of my attitudes, but rather a "surfer of life". My surf board is the meaning and purpose I wish to "give to my life", and with both feet firmly planted on this surf board, I see waves coming, position myself, keep my balance, and "ride each wave" for all the vitality, pleasure, and satisfaction it can afford; as I make my way along the beach.

Turning to God, opening myself up to God who is ever here, welcoming and receiving from God are so many elements of a way of living which is a kind of skill or practice, which can be learned easily enough because God is ever here and eager to fill me, refresh me, renew me, and love me.

Needless to say, it has been a life long challenge to learn to care well for my life, because that life is constantly changing with the times, as I age, with each new challenge, in each new situation, and also with the grinding routine of the repetitious demands of each repeated day and each repeated night.

----------------------------------------------------------------

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

----------------------------------------------------------------

© 2004-2022 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2022 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

+ + + + + + + + + + + +