How can we help our parents, especially when they grow old, as they suffer - and we suffer - because of their faults?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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Dear caring daughter or son of an aging parent,

How do I know that you care about your aging parent? It is simply because you are taking the time to read this post.

Christ is risen, alleluia!

I'm so happy to know that you are reading this probably because you care about your aging parent(s). Your relationship with an aging parent or parents may in fact be difficult, unpleasant, or even painful. The good news is that you still care! Even whatever trouble may be happening between you and your aging parent(s) may in fact be good news; not because we should enjoy pain, but because of the ways of the Lord with us. After you read all this, I think you may agree that what is happening is good news. 

God is good... all the time... and all the time... God is good!

I hope and pray for you that otherwise all is well with you. All is well with me too despite the trials of life, and often, because of these trials... God has been giving me some amazing graces after two and a half years of doing the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola.... 

The Madonna House Apostolate

Recently, I really enjoyed spending three weeks at Madonna House Apostolate Training Center in Combermere ON, which included Holy Week and the Easter Octave. You would really love the faith community there. Are you single or married? If married, your spouse would probably enjoy the experience as well. Guests are called "working guests" because MHA accepts donations but charges no fee, whether people stay for a week, a month, or a year, and they do expect all lay men and women guests to participate fully in the life of the community - prayers, meals, manual labour, Holy Mass, and recreation.... Guests sleep in dormitories for women or for men. Priest guests, especially elders, are a bit more free to do manual labour or not because they know how much priests are exhausted when they come and are very much in need of a rest.

It is good to harbour feelings of gratitude and give thanks to God our Creator

I join you in giving thanks to God for the wonderful graces and progress with which the Lord has been blessing you in your life. How do I know this? It is unlikely that you would be reading this if it were otherwise. Even the most difficult and painful, lonely human existence has blessings, most of which we don't even realize or notice. It has taken me over forty years to realize such blessings as my heart beating and my lungs breathing, over which I have no control at all. 

How wonderful it is the way Almighty God is so patient with us, so careful not to do damage to our free will, which is why God is being so patient with your aging parent(s). It is wonderful that you are now trying to love your aging parent(s) in accord with their needs, and now the Lord will help you to love your aging parent(s) the way they need to be loved, which may not the way you have been trying to do it. Don't beat yourself up about this, though, because we all fall into this trap; trying to change our parents. It's called the "role reversal trap" when children try to behave as parents towards their own parents, especially when they become old or older. God has given us wisdom about this in the Old Testament book of Sirach chapter 3.

We are not on Earth to find happiness. Oh, really?!?

We are not on Earth to find happiness, because this is something that the Most Holy Trinity is preparing for us in eternity. We are on Earth to become saints, and the only way to become a saint is to walk in the steps of Jesus and accept the Holy Spirit's guidance to live as Jesus did. This of necessity includes accepting freely and gladly carrying the cross of suffering that life brings us, either in our own life, or because of our love for others. You may find this hard to believe, but Jesus really wants to help you become a saint, like all the saints now in Heaven! Jesus will do this through the ordinary events of your life.

The "ways of the Lord"

We are all learning "the ways of the Lord" and his patience is something we generally find difficult to accept, especially when it comes to other people in our lives. We have the impression we know what they need, and we try to tell them what to do, but this generally doesn't work. If anything, the more we persist in "nagging at them", the more likely it is that they will "harden" their views and "dig in their heels". It's human nature.

We mostly don't realize it, but God is "at work" within us, in our lives

This may be a new stage in your life now. Whenever we turn aside from any form of bad habit, evil behaviour, or sin, such as when we accept to live in the grace of chastity, the Holy Spirit cleanses the eyes of our mind, heart, and soul, and we begin to see more clearly and to see as God sees. We will need all eternity to approach the wisdom and love that is in the Most Holy Trinity, but rejoice and be glad that the Holy Spirit now seems to be leading you on this path. You can know this, because Jesus is sharing with you his Sacred Heart. His Sacred Heart suffers, even though his humanity is risen from the dead and now immortal in Heaven, because He FEELS our sufferings as though they are his own. This is what perfect love does.

So, Jesus is now inviting you to accept to endure the suffering you see in your aging parent(s), simply to accept to suffer what they are suffering, without trying to change them in any way.  This is how God behaves towards us, but Jesus also prays to the Father, interceding for us in eternity. Romans 8:34 Jesus ever lives to intercede for us with his Father. Hebrews 7:25

Honouring our parents may be the most difficult commandment to observe....

As your parents' child, you owe your aging parent(s) respect and love, according to the 4th commandment in Exodus 20:12: "Honour your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." On this depends the possibility for you to live well and long in the land. These are the ways of the Lord which He wants us to respect so that we can then receive his abundant blessings. Even if your aging parent(s) were terrible criminals, you would still owe them respect and need to honour them for having participated with God our Creator in giving you life. The more your aging parent(s) have in addition to this done good things for you, then you need all the more to honour and respect them and love them. Jesus will help you to love your aging parent(s) as Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit love you.

The difficult temptation to treat our aging parents as though they were children

It is not your place in life to reform your aging parent(s). They must do that for themselves, just as you are now doing it for yourself, with the grace of God. You will have peace about your aging parent(s)'s troubles once you adopt Jesus' own attitude of trust in the Father on behalf of your earthly parents and join Jesus in interceding for them. You can do this by offering what you suffer on your aging parent(s)'s behalf at every Mass, putting your offering of yourself with your aging parent(s) on the altar with the bread and wine.

The liberating Christian practice of "becoming a living sacrifice"

Day by day, every time you suffer something with or because of your aging parent(s), every time immediately intercede for them, talk to our Heavenly Father about it, ask Jesus to have mercy on your aging parent(s), and join Jesus in praying for your aging parent(s). You can offer the Divine Mercy Chaplet for your aging parent(s); it only takes a few minutes. Every big or little thing willingly endured out of love... every prayer... every gesture of kindness... is an agreeable offering to God, and this regular practice makes us into a "living sacrifice pleasing to God" according to Saint Paul in his Letter to the Romans 12:1.

You can fast and offer penances to God on behalf of your aging parent(s), but offering your participation at Holy Mass is the most powerful thing you can do for them. Know that your personal prayers, fasts, and penances you offer for your aging parent(s) are the most powerful acts you can make on their behalf.

In time, when they are ready, your aging parent(s) will also experience the graces you now enjoy, and they too will learn to put their trust in God instead of in earthly things.

Peace to you and your family. Through the communion of saints, I am glad to join you in praying for your aging parent(s).

Remember to ask our Blessed Mother Mary, Queen of Peace, to also join you in praying for your aging parent(s). "Mother Mary, pray for us. Thank you, Mother Mary." "Saint Joseph, just man and foster father of Jesus our Saviour, pray for us."

Christ is risen, alleluia!

                                                   Pax + Caritas,       Fr. Gilles

    

                      Fr. Gilles A. Surprenant – Associate Priest of the Madonna House Apostolate

 

                         "Were not our hearts burning within us as He talked to us on the road

                                              and explained the Scriptures to us?"  Luke 24:32

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My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian witnesses and writers in reflecting on life, encounters, and various situations, in a desire to enhance our understanding of what it means to be a missionary disciple of Jesus Christ at the service of the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2024 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2024 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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A Catholic view of life and death inside a worldwide pandemic

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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We've heard of, read about, and even studied plagues, epidemics, and natural disasters that have occurred throughout recorded human history. Until now, our perspective has generally been that of the outsider looking in from outside, from a safe distance.

In recent decades there have even been several feature length films on the theme of worldwide plagues or pandemics, which for the most part convey an "end of the world" sort of danger and suspense, including hoped for heroes who lead the containment of the outbreak and the discovery of effective treatments and vaccines.

Now, suddenly in February, March, and April 2020 we all find ourselves no longer outsiders peering into such a threat to the survival of humanity from outside, from a safe distance. Collectively, we find ourselves waking up progressively to the shocking reality and truth that we are, all of us, INSIDE of a worldwide pandemic. We are the human species, immersed in the biosphere on the surface of Planet Earth, under attack by the rapid and invisible propagation of a novel coronavirus - SARS CoV-2 - which, upon entering human air passages, causes the illness Covid-19 (coronavirus disease 2019).

This virus, like all such microorganisms, knows no boundaries, no distinctions of language, color, racial or ethnic origin, age, or gender. It is airborne and can also cling to inanimate surfaces, and it is otherwise helpless, needing our help to find its way into our nose or mouth and beyond into our airways, where along it can land, secure itself, and attack healthy cells. It is RNA and incapable of reproducing by itself, and needs to attack a healthy cell in order to make copies of itself and propagate, and in the process, compromise our lungs and breathing passages, thereby producing symptoms of illness and, in the worst cases, causing death.

We human beings living all over the Earth find ourselves without distinction all in the same boat. We are all under threat. Our various civil and religious leaders are trying to mobilize our cooperation to modify our behaviors and adopt safety practices to limit the propagation of this deadly virus. It is a common and worldwide appeal to our collective sense of responsibility, to no longer think only of our own selves and personal interests, but to put the health and well being of others first.

We are coming to understand during this crisis that she and he is most human who is able and willing to take good care of herself / himself, and in addition also commits to joining our collective effort to do all that is personally possible for them to do in order to advance the common good, protect the health and safety of all - especially the most vulnerable - and to count on our collective effort rather than only on oneself. The reproduction above is called the Madonnina, commonly known as the Madonna of the Streets, was a painting created by Roberto Ferruzzi (1854–1934) that won the second Venice Biennale in 1897. The models for this painting were Angelina Cian (age 11) and her younger brother.

As Catholic Christians our faith helps us to rise to the occasion of this "best quality of humanity" that takes care of itself while also putting a shoulder to our common load and challenge. People who take the path of this fullness of humanity may do so simply as a best strategy for their own survival and / or that of their family, friends, and community. Without faith in God they may even commit their efforts for "the good of humanity" as a noble ideal.

What Jesus Christ offers us is to be - through personal experience and faith - so convinced of God's love for us that we can in our turn live out of selfless and even self-sacrificing love for others and even in a return of love to God. Jesus' resurrection reveals our common destiny beyond death in life that is eternal in the company of God, the Eternal One. The "price of admission" is complete trust in this love of God, which we are to demonstrate through our unreserved and unconditional service of our neighbor, of all without distinction, even to the point of offering our life. 

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My purpose in these posts is to help spread the contributions of a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2021 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2021 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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ALL WILL BE WELL, WON’T IT?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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Living the Gospel, Catherine Doherty's Little Mandate – by Fr. Gilles A. Surprenant, Madonna House Associate, Family Life Chaplain, Archdiocese of Montréal – from my Journal – 14.07.2002 - Composed in Dina Belanger Poustinia while on summer vacation / poustinia retreat 

       Today, I met my Sister and asked, “How’s it going? Is everything well?” Sadly, her
expression – already full of pondering – said, as she moved away, “Well, it ....” I called after
her quietly, “All will be well.” Another said, “That’s so easy to say.” Yes, it is so easy to say,
“All will be well.” It is so easy to hope, when once we have known hope, when once we have
known love, when once we have known joy, when once we have known delight, when once we
have known peace. It is so very easy to say “All will be well” when we are immersed in hope,
love, joy, delight, and peace.

       What do we do when we are not sensing our blessedness, when we can only remember
seeing dreary dusty despair, tasting bitter loneliness, hearing sorrowful sadness, smelling of
death and decay, and feeling troubling torment – when we can no longer remember the color of
hope, the taste of love, the sound of joy, the smell of delight, or the feel of peace? What do we
do then? It’s so easy to say, “All will be well” when everything within and around me or us
screams back “How do you know? All is not well! All will never be well again! Will any thing
ever be well? Was anything ever well? How dare you say ‘All will be well’?”

       Upon a time, the radiant color of all things – of people and living creatures, of the sky,
the earth, and the water – their color illumined me with hope…. O where has it gone? Then
too, your love filled me with the taste of bread and wine, and of the sweetest fruits. At the very
sound of your footsteps or your voice, joy leapt up within my heart. The fragrance of your
garments, of your hair, and of the meals we shared filled my soul with delight. The very breeze
in the air surrounded me with the warmth of your presence and cradled me in your peace. O
where have they all gone? Where have You gone, O my Beloved? No, all is not well – not well
at all…. Oh, in so many ways, all is not well.

       All is not well – my ailment is back. Lord, I thought You had heard my prayer and had
answered it. Why has my ailment returned? What’s going to happen now? Do you intend to
heal me? How much longer must I pray? What’s the point of praying to be well again if You
have no intention of healing me? Why does your will always have to come to me through others
– why can’t You just reveal your will to me yourself? What do You want of me? How can I
know it? How can all be well when I am not? Is it true – will all ever be well again?

       Upon a time, though I did not seek attention or approval, the eyes of my brothers and
sisters were full of warmth and understanding for me – but now I see judgment, and their
disappointment – now they are embarrassed or concerned for me. I ache so much once again
to be self-oblivious: to have eyes only for the well-being of others, to hunger only for your love
in the hearts of all, to have ears only for your Word – that your every desire might be my
command, to want only the scent of my labor and ours – all done for love of You and for the
least of these sisters and brothers of Yours, ours, and mine, and to take comfort only in the
sensations accompanying the satisfaction of being spent for love and filling me with gratitude
for your wondrous gift of life renewed each day as an echo of your promise of eternity. O, in
what depth of darkness have I fallen, for assuredly, all is not now well.

       All is not well – the one You’ve entrusted to me for formation has such glaring faults –
what do You want of me? Am I supposed to continually correct this person? It doesn’t look
like this is someone who’s going to change in a hurry, so what am I supposed to do? Is there a
bottom line, a minimum that is acceptable, and whose responsibility is it to make sure that this
minimum is met? What do You want of me? When will this all be well?

       Indeed, all is not well – I keep falling back into my faults – my sisters, my brothers, keep
correcting me, again and again I become embarrassed and feel humiliated, but I keep falling
back into my faults, and it just keeps going on and on…. How long will this last? When will my
heart become pure and undivided? Will You not do this for me? O, how long, Beloved, till You
rescue me from these depths? What do You want of me? How would You have me bear this
cross? When will I rest? Will You not make all things well?

       Upon a time, my mind was at rest – understanding enough of your ways that my labors,
my rests, my pains, my delights, my sorrows, my joys – all made sense to me in the comfort of
your presence and your love. Now, I feel like a traitor, like a guest who has overspent his
welcome, like a child who has become a burden, like one who is an embarrassment, like one
who should have gotten things right by now, like one who seems without discipline, like a stone
on everyone’s ankle. Then, my heart was content, my body was secure, and my spirit was in
surety, but now I am in distress. How long, O Lord, will You leave me among the dead? Do
You not see that all is not well?

       Are You not all-powerful and sovereign over all? Can You not make all things well?
And yet You do not act, You leave me to languish in my misery. Can You be testing me? If it is
so, then what do You want of me? If I am as a child in pain, and You are comforting me –
though I am aware only of my hurt – would You have me dry my tears? Would you have me
echo your words, “All will be well?” Would You have me hope in my pain suffered for You? If I
am as one crushed by too many rejections, and You are encouraging me – though I see You not
in my defeat – would You have me take heart in my humiliation? Would you have me echo
your words, “All will be well?” Would You have me love though I am crushed?

       If I am as one wounded in battle, and You are attending me – though I am aware only of
my wounds – would You have me silence my groans? Would you have me echo your words,
“All will be well?” Would You have me take joy in my wounds suffered for You? If I am as one
staggering in the desert, lost in the wilderness, parched and weakened by hunger, and have lost
all sense of life in me, and You are finding me – would You have me let You sweep me off my
feet? Would you have me echo your words, “All will be well?” Would You have me take
delight – even in all I have endured for You? What do You want of me?

       If I am as one haunted by the relentless troubles of the world, cut to the heart by the
untold suffering of countless throngs of your children – embarrassed to still be in the grip of my
own pain, insignificant though it seem in comparison, and You are calling to me in my depths of
shame – would You have me come out of my tomb? Would you have me echo your words, “All
will be well?” Would You have me find peace in You? What do You want of me?

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My purpose in these posts is to help spread the contributions of a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2021 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2021 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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Why do we feel close to God and then feel like it's all gone?

My purpose in these posts is to bring a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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In our lives our days are full of experiences at one level and on another level there is what we think and feel about those experiences and about ourselves within those experiences and what is left after we leave those experiences behind. 

Whatever we live, think, feel, do, say or experience... our true motives are often concealed from our own conscience when we are flooded with emotions. Simple example, when I care for a family member or neighbor and receive back from them love and gratitude, perhaps even remuneration, then it is more difficult to know how pure my motivation is. 

I may truly be doing it out of selfless and perfect love, but even then, my earthly reward at the very least clouds or shadows my perfect love. I would then need to be accepting the rewards simply out of consideration for the other, glad to provide the other with an opportunity to experience and to show gratitude. However, when to do or say a thing motivated out of love for others is difficult to do, tiring, stressful, or painful, and I still do it and persevere over time in doing it, those difficulties and absence of pleasure purify my motives and clarify my heart, mind, and soul, and the Holy Trinity can more easily bring me into sync with them, into perfect love and communion. 

It is for this reason that various saints came to know this and to value times of pain and suffering and actually went out of their way to embrace such difficulties in the exercise of loving service of those most in need of experiencing the selfless love of another in order to come to really believe in the love of God for them. 

I believe what our Church teaches as Jesus did that God in Jesus is a Good Shepherd who knows his sheep and gently leads us in the way we most need to be led and cared for. We do well to grow in trust of Him regardless of what may be happening in our thoughts and feelings, which tell us something about what is going on but they cannot tell us everything. We can perceive much more in our soul deep down beneath the sensations of our flesh and where the Holy Trinity dwells with us and infuses us with their divine life. This is how St Paul came to say "It is no longer I who live, but Jesus who lives in me."

Our life in the "flesh" - what the Sacred Scriptures understand as our human life with all its facets as mortal and weakened by the original sin - serves as a wonderful image or icon of our spirit or soul, our life as immortal that will live on after the death of our mortal flesh and will then await the resurrection of the dead and entry into eternal life. 

 

From this point of view we can understand how it is that in the course of our life journey we go through stages, just as we do in the flesh. We began in the womb, were born through birth pains into this world through this great act of love of our parents - especially our mom - then were coddled at the breast, wanted to go down on the floor where we crawled around exploring, then got up and walked like everyone else, got into everything, began to learn not to touch certain things which hurt us, learned how to go potty and how "we do things in this family", how to use our hands, tell colors and count and read and write, make friends and learn how to deal with aggressive angry kids, went out of home for the first time on our own to go to school, how to follow discipline, how to learn in a group and on our own, how to study and do homework, and we progressed rapidly through many stages, got to become very skillful at play and many things, then came crashing down to some degree through the upheavals of puberty, with or without skillful or kind or wise guidance from our elders, and somehow found our way, and on and on through all the stages and seasons of life we have the great privilege of experiencing and receiving as a gift from our Creator.... 

 

Through all these and all the other stages and landscapes of our lives God was there, hovering over us like a loving parent, at times touching, cajoling, disciplining, but mostly leaving us free to go about our lives. As we may have gotten attached to our parents and their comfort, so too we can get attached to God and his consolations or certain forms of his consolations. 

 

We can only grow in love as we accept to put aside these desires of ours in order to give all our attention to the other, to the beloved, in order to grow in selfless love, in complete and undivided attention and devotion to the other. We can only do this by free choice renewed countless times each day and day after day... and we do well to grow in trust and eager obedience of the three wonderful Persons of the Holy Trinity, who have planned for all of us to enjoy their company and the company of each other for all eternity, which is no trifling thing.... 　

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My purpose in these posts is to help spread the contributions of a variety of Christian and other writers in a desire to share significant writings that in my estimation contribute to the common good and directly or indirectly give glory to God and extend the Lord's work of salvation to all of humanity. G.S.

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© 2004-2021 All rights reserved Fr. Gilles Surprenant, Associate Priest of Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montreal  QC
© 2004-2021 Tous droits réservés Abbé Gilles Surprenant, Prêtre Associé de Madonna House Apostolate & Poustinik, Montréal QC 

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