I have observed many families over the 43 years since my ordination. There was a young family in which they were both professionals, but it was the mother who spoke with their 4 children. When they wouldn't listen, she spoke again, but more softly instead of louder. She usually didn't have to repeat again. Her authority was a combination of factors: the children learned that whenever they didn't listen, there were always consequences for them. Secondly, they were confident that their mother loved them but was serious in discipline for their own good. Third, their father was soft-spoken, but he always backed up their mother, and if he ever disagreed with her, it was never for the children to hear or observe. They were united.
In another family with 8 children, again it was the mother who, being most often at home, disciplined the children. Whenever a teenager disupted her, disagreed, was disagreeable, or resisted, her response was a gentle "Excuse me!" If resistance or misbehaviour continued - opposite to the other mother above - she raised her voice a little: "Excuse me!" She rarely had to do it a third time, and never a fourth time. She obviously also did not spare her children the consequences. The father sometimes teased his wife in the presence of the children, but always affectionately, and always backing up her decisions and discipline. They were united.
The importance cannot be overstated of the need that children have to observe and know that their parents are united; that there is no division between their parents that they can exploit or that can cause them to feel insecure or worried or angry with them.
When parents disagree in front of their children, they learn that it is okay to have disputes, and so they feel free to have disputes among themselves but also with their parents. They learn that this is how we do it in this family.
When the mother speaks but her words have no visible effect in the father, this couple are teaching their children that the mother's words are irrelevant, and they can ignore her.
When the father speaks but his words have no visible effect in the mother, this couple are teaching their children that the father's words are irrelevant, and they can ignore him.
What is the worst that can happen if you disagree with your spouse, but commit yourself to support her / him and immediately agree with him / her in front of the children? "You heard your mother; do as she says." "You heard your father; do as he says."
If she was wrong, then everyone will realize that it was not the best decision or policy, and they will complain. Then, both parents can reply that, yes, it might have been better another way, but at the time, this was the best decision, and as your parents, we agreed. Life is like that and it does not always go the way we want. We all need to learn to accept that and make the best of it; otherwise, our life will always be divisive, complaining, and miserable. We need to learn to give up what we want in order to get along with others in life. This is an essential lesson to learn, and that is why your mother and I teach you these things; we love you and want you to learn to give yourself discipline; so that you can learn to love God and to love your neighbour as yourself.
If he was wrong, then everyone will realize that it was not the best decision or policy, and they will complain. Then, both parents can reply that, yes, it might have been better another way, but at the time, this was the best decision, and as your parents, we agreed. Life is like that and it does not always go the way we want. We all need to learn to accept that and make the best of it; otherwise, our life will always be divisive, complaining, and miserable. We need to learn to give up what we want in order to get along with others in life. This is an essential lesson to learn, and that is why your father and I teach you these things; we love you and want you to learn to give yourself discipline; so that you can learn to love God and to love your neighbour as yourself.
It is only the pagans who say: "This is the way I am, and I cannot change; you must accept me as I am." This is a world view, a view of life, that puts ME at the center of the universe. This is the perspective of the original sin, the broken human condition, from which Jesus came to rescue and redeem us.
God saw the mess that we human beings were making of life and the world, and He sent his Son to become one of us, by the Holy Spirit, who conceived Him in Mary, who gave Him birth, and she and Joseph named him Jesus, an name which means "God saves". He came first of all to live our life, which He did for 30 years, working as a carpenter in Nazareth, after having been a refugee with his parents when He was an infant and they had to escape to Egypt.
Then, when He began his public ministry, He opened up for us the ways of the Father, which are also his ways, the "ways of the Lord", in the Kingdom of God. Jesus demonstrated for us a "new life" which opens up for us and in us through Baptism. We have been adopted by God our Father and Creator. He is ever with us, dwelling within us through Jesus, by the power of Divine Love, which is the Holy Spirit. Our choice every moment of every day is to accept our adoption and desire to cultivate this relationship of divine adoption, by seeking always the Father's will - as Jesus did and demonstrated - putting aside our own will. St. Paul taught and wrote that God's wisdom seems to human beings to be foolish, but his weakness is stronger than our strength.
22 For Jews demand signs and Greeks desire wisdom, 23 but we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24 but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For God’s foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God’s weakness is stronger than human strength." See the whole passage in 1 Corinthians 1:14-31.
In marriage, your spouse gives you opportunity to set aside your own will by making room for hers / his. When this is difficult, this is the cross Jesus calls us to pick up and carry in order to follow Him as his disciple. This new way of life makes us different from pagans, from all human beings stuck only in this visible, practical, broken world. Surrendering one's life to the other is how we share in Jesus' Passion and Death; just as He surrendered his life into the Father's hands, that the Father's will might be done. Jesus accepted to apparently fail his mission, from a human point of view, in order that the Father's plan might be accomplished.
What was that plan? To demonstrate to humanity for all time what the love of God is truly like: God is the only being in the universe who, by definition, gives his own Self. God is a divine self-bestowing Being. We are called to attempt, day by day, to also give our whole self to one another; holding nothing back. This is what makes Marriage, Matrimony, a sacrament.
From a human point of view, this is impossible, but by God's grace, by the power of God dwelling within us and infusing divine love and power within us, the impossible becomes possible. When this happens, it gives glory to God, and we become God's instruments in his divine work of salvation; making life new, making humanity new, making the world new. This is what it means to be and to live as a Christian, a disciple of Jesus.
Most of the time, all we can do is offer God our poverty, weakness, sinfulness, and failure; but this is how we give God permission to manifest in us, within the real circumstances of our life, his divine power to save. When St. Paul complained to God about his weakness, this is the answer he received from the Lord: “My grace is sufficient for you, for power[c] is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Glory be to God. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit....
